Whatever makes me happy sets you free.

Listen up guys, we women are not that complicated. I mean, maybe some are (I just can’t brain people who claim they hate dramas but create dramas of their own, but that’s for another post maybe) Kau ingat your wife memang suka muram mencuka bila jumpa kau balik dari kerja? Kau ingat memang your girlfriend sejenis merajuk tak tentu hala? Most people, secara fitrahnya tidak sebegitu. Keletihan, kelaparan, kekurangan kasih sayang; are among the most popular factors yang menjadikan perempuan-perempuan dalam hidup kau tidak happy! So what do they need from you? Most normal / borderline-normal women are not that difficult to understand. We may not understand our own emotion / needs sometimes, but mostly what we want in a relationship are simple. And by WE, I mean normal / borderline-normal women; drama queens don’t count. 

SOME ATTENTION. We do not need our men to check on us 24/7 or spend time with us every waking hours of your day, and we especially don’t need our men to meddle in every aspects of our lives. But we do need some attention every day. Maybe a phone call checking whether we have safely arrived home / whether we have eaten / which of our three kids are annoying us the most. A quick brunch / tea break together. An hour of sambang-sembang before bedtime. Because we like (and need) to share about our days, and for SAHM / WFHM especially, we crave that adult conversation that doesn’t involve yelling or cartoons or homework. It is essential for our mental health. 

RESPECT. You don’t have to agree with everything we say, that’d make you boring. But it feels good when you value our opinions and decisions. A good relationship should be a safe place where we can always share our ideas and thoughts without being judged. One should first be respectful to be respected! 

ME TIME. This is especially for us mothers. Some find this selfish but I believe that we have to take care of ourselves for us to be able to take care of others. You cannot pour from an empty jar! Boleh gila tahu tak? For some lucky girls, this may mean tai tai life of coffee with friends followed by a day of pampering at our favourite spa, but for normal everyday women, me time could be as simple as some uninterrupted time for showering / morning coffee / reading / working out / nap; whatever that tickles our fancy. Special shout out to hands-on dads / dads providing helpers for your wives; you guys rock! 

GOOD FOOD. We need food. It differs what kind of food we need. But for most women and mothers especially, good, fancy caffeine will do. And maybe some cake. Lack of sleep and empty tummy is a very dangerous combination. Feed us well and we shall be happy. 

CONVERSATION AND LAUGHTER. Because how can you not stay in love with a man who treats you as his best friend and make you laugh every day? 

You can always add on more materialistic thingamijg like new handbags, winter holiday, head to toe massage, shopping spree etc etc to the list, LOL, but there you have it, our basic necessities in a relationship. The list could of course be more exhaustive for others, because we’re not made from the same mould, but you just can’t go wrong with the one above. We’re mostly not that crazy.

You do you.

Who are better moms: stay at home moms vs working moms. Which is more painful: natural birth vs c-section. Whose kids are happier: moms with messy homes vs moms with neat homes. Which is better: breastfeeding vs formula milk. THIS IS A NEVER ENDING DEBATE! 

Mothers who choose to work is not more superior than those who choose to be at home, just as stay at home mothers are certainly not more holier than those who choose to work. Our lives are different; some people want to, some people have to. YOU DO YOU. 

Any types of birth is painful, unless yeah, HELLO EPIDURAL! It does not make you a better mother just because you went through 36 hours of painful labour and give birth to your baby all natural, pankiller-free and what not. It just make you a woman who was in pain for 36 hours. C-section has its shares of pain as well, oh the recovery is longer! Trust me, I’ve been through both, and believe me when I say all kind of labour and child birth are painful. What matters is your baby shall be delivered healthily, that is all. Other than that, your choice. YOU DO YOU. 

Messy homes do not necessarily equal happy children. Yes you let your kids play and be messy but so do most mothers with clean, organized homes. Or maybe you have a designated play room, lucky you! In my case, my kids will scatter their toys starting from their room to the hall to the side porch. LOL. What’s important is both you and your kids are happy. If you are OK with messy homes, then so be it, let it go let it go. If you’re a neat freak, then it is ok too, good for you! Go clean your house every 15 minutes. YOU DO YOU. 

Breastfeeding has its benefit but it has so many cons as well. Like, well, a baby attached to your boobies isn’t exactly fun, you know? And not everyone has abundance of milk. Not every boobies are the same just as not all babies are the same. If you prefer to breastfeed and you can, do it! It’s good. But if you don’t want to or you can’t, it is OK too! Just make sure your baby is fed. That is the most important bit of raising a child. FED IS BEST. YOU DO YOU. 

Stop this vicious mommy-shaming cycle. Stop this never ending debate. Just do whatever works for you and your family. As long as your kids are happy, well fed, well behave, are not neglected and go to school, I think you’re on the right track, mommies. YOU DO YOU!

We were just kids when we fell in love.

(Taken from my phone notes, I wrote this after two hours of relaxing prenatal massage courtesy of the husband. I may or may not have been under the influence of euphoria when this was written. LOL)


After almost 10 years of marriage, you can be rest assured that it will never be the same kind of romance when you first started as young kids in love.

It's no longer the kind of romance Ronan Keating sings about in If Tomorrow Never Comes. No longer the butterfly you feel in your tummy on the night of your aqad. You will no longer feel the same excitement and giddiness of your first halal outing together. It’s definitely not the kind rom-coms tell you about. That’s for newbies, dating couples, the newlyweds.

It is different, and much more than that. When you’ve been married for that long, a different kind of romance takes over. It’s accepting each other’s flaws and quirkiness; the freedom to be yourself without fear that your partner will abandon you for your annoying habits. It's letting your spouse has his/her own special time for him/herself. It's the occasional splurge because he/she deserves it after all his/her hard work at work/home. It's choosing to spend your free time with your spouse because you actually enjoy his/her company. It’s being with each other in sickness, unconditionally. The simple everyday surprises; coming home from work earlier than usual, simple text asking about your day, bringing home your favourite food. It's in the everydayness of life; sharing of chores, raising healthy and happy kids together, listening to each others' woes and petty tales, watching your favourite shows together for 10 minutes before you both start snoring because let’s face it, everyday life is tiresome.

It’s surviving and enjoying life together, one day at a time, hand in hand -- some days stumbling and quarrelling and pissing each other off -- but mostly hand in hand; savoring the repetitiveness of everyday life, being there for each other and finding delight in occasional surprises. That too, is romance.

Dear Baby in Mommy’s Tummy

Dear Baby in Mommy’s Tummy,

Reading Elif Shafak’s letter to her unborn daughter inspired me to write one too (you will soon learn that I read a lot, not because I have too, but I actually enjoy it LOL). You are in Week 27 as I am typing this. Elif wrote about some traditional tribes’ belief that babies got to pick their mommies, and she wrote to her daughter, “I don’t know why you ended up picking me out of all the potential mothers in the universe, maybe you are a crazy kind of girl. You find the idea of a perfect mother boring. Or you already know me better than I know myself. Maybe you see the potential in me. Maybe you want to help me overcome my shortcomings. You can be my guide, my best teacher.”

Did you baby? Did you too choose me because you see the potential in me? Did you not know about my shortcomings, my quick temper, my lack of success? Were you not shown footages of me going crazy at your older brothers? Now that you are in my tummy and can hear all sorts of shenanigans I talk about with / shout at your older brothers, are you scared? Do you have a change of mind? I bet you did.

I am not a perfect mommy, kiddo. I am nowhere there. I ain’t that successful or rich or pretty too. At least not yet. But I guess you could say I have an OK heart. And that’s important. More than anything, I want you and your older brothers to have a good heart and strong, unshakable personality. You can learn most of the latter bit, together with wisdom and street smart from your father. He’s awesome. He doesn’t like whiny kids and never change your brothers’ diapers LOL but I don’t mind it at all. He’s a great dad and you’re gonna love him.

Oh are you scared of your big brother Hadi? Yea he likes to shout a lot at home but he’s actually a great kid. He dotes on Noah and Saif in his own special way. I am counting on your big brother here to protect all of you younger cubs, and I know he will, because your parents will not be here forever. I hope you will grow up learning to love and care for Noah the way I do. He will need you, he will need all of us to be his anchor. He is one of our paths to Jannah, always remember that. I know you will be such best friends with Saif because he’s just so much fun to be around. Are you excited to meet your big brothers? I bet you do.

We are excited to meet you too, Baby in my Tummy. Thank you for looking past all my issues and far from perfect self and choosing me to be your mommy. Looking forward to it. But for now, stay put, grow healthily and have fun kicking me from the inside.

Lots of love; Your Imperfect Momma.

Elif Shafak, Black Milk.

Little big things.

It is nearing the end of school year for 2017 and it seems like almost everyone's kids are getting academic awards for their achievements.

Mine did not. Not this time. But today I am OK with it. I am OK that he is not on the top of his class because he now reads well enough for me to stop worrying. I am OK that he can mengaji & also read some musical notes. I am OK that he did well for English and Science but rather poorly for Maths. I am OK because he invents funny words like "oldbinton" to describe playing badminton with old people like Mama, and that he knows what a banjo and lasso are, and that he uses proper sentence like "I would say they are teenagers." Of course I do not wish for my kids to be mediocre but there is always room for academic improvements. And although getting straight As is very commendable, there are also many other little achievements to be celebrated if we choose to do so. 

Today, I choose to be OK with the kid I am raising and pray that he will continue to surprise me with many little big things.

Gotta love Beverly Goldbergs!

Photographs and memories.

There are some things in life that are able to evoke all sort of melancholic in me; like a favourite song from the past, the smell of my mother’s cooking, Michael Jackson’s One Day in Your Life, the sound of rain, and strangely, watching my kids play at the park.

We have this Friday morning routine of strolling around the neighborhood and stopping by the nearest playground for a quick morning play. And every single time I sit on the bench with Noah beside me, watching Hadi and Saif messing around playing together, my heart will make a little leap. Every single time. I will be reminded that one day, all that will be left for me are the memories of these days. It may not mean much to them, Saif may not even remember this routine of ours, but I will. One day when the nest is empty and I pass by the playground, I will surely long for all the childish fun and laughter we once had together.

“The days are long but the years are short” perfectly sums up our life as a mommy. It is tiring, being a parent. You constantly have to remind yourself that time is precious, that they will not stay this small forever, but it’s hard to do that sometimes after countless interrupted sleeps and long day of tending to their every needs. But these years of raising little children fly by so quickly. One minute Hadi was this cheeky bubbly toddler and suddenly he is turning 8 just next year. Before I know it, these boys will not need my daily hugs, me helping with homework, cooking them breakfast, fixing their hair, lying down with them until they fell asleep. One day, I will surely miss their sweet innocence and clinginess.

But as at now, they’re stuck with me for at least another 10 to 20 years. Let’s just enjoy the ride while it lasts.

Crappy mommy.

We all have days when we feel really crappy as a mommy. Maybe Marion and Dr. Jezemine Lim don’t, because they’re perfect. But yeah, I am talking about us normal, sometimes-awesome-but-sometimes-crappy mommies. 

My firstborn can’t seem to get straight As, the other isn’t improving too much in his mobility even after years of therapies and the other doesn’t seem to be able to talk as many words as a 2 year old should. It makes me think that I did not spend enough time to help the first one with his studies, that I haven’t done enough for the second one’s improvement, that it’s my fault that the third one has yet to construct a sentence. And that maybe I didn’t make enough doa. That maybe I sin a lot that my doa is not makbul. That maybe, I am just a lousy mommy, as simple as that. But believe me I tried. Oh God, I HAVE TRIED. I hope my kids know I have tried and gave all my best on most days. I hope God knows. 

And entering the second trimester of this pregnancy at this much older age has made me really exhausted sometimes and most days at the end of the day I just want to put everyone to sleep so that I may be able to rest a bit, only to be waken up at random hours at night to kids having nightmares, coughing streaks, mosquitoes festivals and baby #4 squishing my bladder. 

There are good days, when I feel energized, when I’m positive about raising my children, when I start the day all chirpy and cook good stuff, spent the whole day not being grumpy at all, basking in the moment, listening and engaging well with my kids, days when I enjoy every speck of motherhood, the whole nine yard. 

But there are days like today, when I feel sick and crappy and like I am going to split into two, even after a cone of chocolate sundae. Perhaps this is my bad right knee talking, I don’t know, maybe I just need a good hug and a new pretty purse. Crappy washed out purse makes you feel crappy.

Oh and send me the Joy Blend pronto, Ayin. Let’s see if it will do wonders.

Rose coloured glasses.

Today I was reminded by my Kindred Spirit, one of very few people who knows me best, to stop comparing our lives to others. Everything may seem perfect on social medias, but everyone has their own battle and struggles. “Never compare, recipe for sadness” was her exact words. Ain’t that the truth? 

When I was a little girl growing up, my mother, with purely good intention I believe, always compared me -- my behaviours and achievements -- to my favourite older cousin, who is now a doctor (she’s awesome, by the way, I totally got why my mother wants me to aspire to her). But I remember it making me sad and rebellious even. Comparison is truly, as Mark Twain put it, the death of joy.

Aida Azlin, in one of her many inspiring videos, shared that when she feels jealous of another sister, she will make doa for her and later find a way to collaborate with her on a project. She channels her jealousy positively by deviating the initial negative feeling she had to the most positive act; making doa for others. I tried it this morning and it worked like a charm, trust me. 

And if people’s so-called perfect life on social medias seem to bother us too much, maybe we should take a break from all these distractions and focus on what really make us happy. We are not here to compete with each other anyway; I hope we will all make it, here in dunia and later in akhirat. Hugs!

Mom of three; what's one more?

As I have joyfully shared on my Instagram, I have been putting on a few kilos, adding some cheeks and nasty pimples to my face, and spotting a baby bump these days. I am overjoyed alhamdulillah. Oh hello Baby #4, insyaAllah.

If you were followers of my previous blog (yes the three of you), you'd know that I struggled with fertility in our early years of marriage. I suffered miscarriage twice and I have always vouched to how it was a very heartbreaking and lonely experience. My pregnancy with my firstborn felt like a miracle and was tended with a lot of care and caution. It helped that I got to sleep as much as my body desired, watched as much TV as I wanted that is not cartoon and not having any little human to worry about. I also ate a lot and transformed into a whale.

It is not the same with every pregnancies. This time around, I crave less sweets which is good for my weight but suffers breakouts and skin issues. And with three handful small boys***, it goes without saying how tired a mommy can be. I don't even know exhaustion anymore. I just go with the flow, take whatever sleep I can get, and drink coffee. Yes I still take my caffeine, please don't judge me.

This was taken yesterday. My eye bags are testament to my lack of beauty sleep.

*** Yes three handful small boys. The eldest and the youngest are a couple of loud Tom & Jerry, eat a lot, most of the time sticky and any long sticks found can be used as weapon against each other. And in between all that, there's homework and revisions for the eldest which always end up with me almost getting a heart attack, there's Noah's therapies, and my obsessive need to cook for the kids every single day. I could have asked the maid, but no, I am crazy. 

But yeah, what's one more, alang-alang dah gila dan letih gila. LOL.

Small things in a great way.

Yesterday was my youngest boy’s birthday and I was missing my MIL. A lot. Because she has always been there for all my kids’ birthdays, always a good sport. I don’t know many people who have the kind of relationship I had with my MIL. She’s always referring me to people as her daughter instead of daughter in law and she makes me feel like I’m one of her own. I transitioned into her family with ease and this will always remind me of the doa I made in front of the kaabah; I prayed for a good spouse and equally good in laws and alhamdulillah, I got them. 

It has been 9 months without her in our lives and although her spirit is still very much around, sometimes I miss her so much I can’t seem to tell others because I wouldn’t think people would believe and/or understand. After all, I am just the daughter in law. But really, it feels like there is an empty hole in my heart. I really miss having her around. It doesn't help that sometimes I feel like I am filling a huge shoes now that she’s gone and I am the only woman  left anchoring the family. How am I supposed to be positive and all that all the time?! I am just me. 

You know how they say if you cannot do great things, then you must do small things in great way. She is a testament to that. A simple person but is awesome in so many ways. The kind of person who would always rise above the condition she is put in, she radiates positivity and calmness even in chaotic and stressful situation. She has been tested in so many ways but she remained the cool and lovable person through it all. Even her final battle against cancer was fought like a goddess, never complaining, almost always in good mood until one day, Allah decided it’s time for her to go somewhere better, more deserving of her. If you know my MIL personally, you would nod in agreement to everything you have read here and you will now be reminded of her beautiful soul. 

I hope I will have enough good deeds so that one day we may meet again in Jannah. I miss you, Mak. A lot. Al-Fatihah.

Roller-coaster ride.

The first weeks of pantang (confinement) has always been a torture for me. Everytime I think about the recovery process --- the engorgement, the fear of doing number two, the healing of wounds (c-section for the first and vaginal wound for the next two), the seram sejuk nak demam tak demam, restless sleepless nights, roller-coaster emotion --- honestly it scares me more than the labour itself.

Most moms I know say the same thing. Recently I talked to a close relative whose youngest is already 8 but she could still recall in vivid details the horror of early weeks of pantang. Most moms have different set of stories to share but it all will lead to the same conclusion that early days after labour is certainly not a bed of roses. A bed of rose thorn, maybe.

I wrote about post partum depression before on my old blog. It is real. It could happen to any one of us. But physical recovery is another hellish issue altogether. Your recovering body will feel foreign and it will sometimes feel like it is betraying you. What's more with lack of sleep, abstinence of ice cream and iced mocha, minimal fresh air, adjusting to your newborn, aah the whole drill. 

But call me crazy; a precious sweet smelling newborn baby is somewhat worth the ride.

Unconditional.

The husband said this is favouritism sums up in one picture. LOL. 

I don't think any normal parents have only one particular favourite child --- we may have one that we like more at that particular time because he was behaving better, or eats the food we cooked without complaints, or simply because he takes morning naps LOL --- but we love our children equally as much, or as little (depending on the situation). It is just common that the smallest one gets more attention because he needs it more.

When I was pregnant with Noah, it was a bittersweet journey for both me and Hadi. Hadi was already 3 when I finally found the courage for another child, so it's been a while that it was just me and Hadi. I knew things would surely change once he had to share his mommy's love and attention, and even I was not sure I could love another child as much as I love my firstborn. 

Oh boy was I wrong. Your heart is surely made to expand for the love of your children (Children! NOT WIVES!) 

And like I always say, that’s the awesome thing about a mother’s love; there’s always room for more.

Perfectly imperfect.

(This is from my phone notes from September 2, 2017)  

I just saw a video made by a mom with a wheelchair-bound kid. The video tells a story of how one day, two curious kids stared & asked many questions to their mother about her special boy - why can't he walk or talk, why he looks like that etc and after the mother failed to silence them, he brought his boys to meet the special boy to say hi and she awesomely took the opportunity to educate them about special need kids.

The video talks about how moms with special need kids are used to the stares, and comments and whispers because most people are scared to engage with these special kids & the ones who are not scared, sometimes make inappropriate comments. 

Yes Noah gets stared at a lot. He doesn't need a wheelchair yet but a kid lying down doing nothing in a stroller does look a bit odd. Sometimes they are pity stares, sometimes they are loving but sometimes, believe it or not, they are shocked look. I mean come on, do you really live in your perfect little bubble that you never seen a non-typical kid before? Cover your shocked faces, aunties.

If you go to the therapy centers, especially those government-owned ones, you'll see a lot of these non typical kids with their loving family, so loved and cared for. But why do you rarely see these kids in the mall or at the park? This is one of the reasons! People often fear what they don't know. They give you pity stares, they openly show you their shocked faces, they ask private, inappropriate and sometimes judgmental questions (like, "he is 4 and still can't walk?", "ooh why don't you bring him to specialist / therapy/ bomoh or whatsoever?", "have you tried everything?") Sometimes when questions got asked lovingly and I am in the mood to answer, I'll explain shortly but precisely. But when they are unkind remarks, I'd just smile politely while grunting in the inside.

I understand that it is hard to be understanding when you've never been there. You may be sympathetic but you can never truly get it. I understand that I too, could have been one of those inappropriate aunties had I not been blessed with this journey. But community need to be educated and enlightened that there are a lot of special need people around us. And that it is OK to be OK with them and their own special ways.

So I thought it is beautiful what the mother of the two boys did. She educated them that there are people in this world that are born different. That just because there are none in their family, doesn't mean they need to be fearful or judgmental of one. That God made them different. That it is OK to be different. That it is OK to be OK with people who are different. 

It really is OK. We have accepted our fate and Noah's too but we have never ceased hope and prayer. We go to therapies and do everything we can to keep him happy and healthy and to help him thrive in his own non-typical, special ways. And it really is OK.

Ain't no river wide enough.

LOL my blogging mojo came very rapidly and went away just as fast. So random. 

Did you read about the successful Muslim lady who built her $2.3M Shea Terra organic beauty business while homeschooling her kids? Ain't that something? I can't even last more than an hour of teaching my eldest. Even helping him with his school works could sometimes stressed the hell out of me. How did Tammie Umbel do it? Making herself rich while at the same time raising and teaching her kids? That is one extraordinary woman!

But like all things, you just need to have the right attitude, the drive and the willpower to get things done. If you put your mind to it, there ain't no mountain high enough. Wow writing positive affirmations is certainly so much easier than practising them LOL! (But you gotta start somewhere)

In sickness and in health.

The firstborn caught a nasty bug at drama workshop recently and had to skip school. Poor baby but he looked just fine when he gets to stay home and watch TV. Typical! LOL. In this one I am gonna share what to do if your kid fell sick - this is not in any way a medical advice, merely a tips from one mommy to another. 

What to do if you child caught a fever?

First of all, DO NOT PANIC. As a young mommy-of-one, I panicked a lot. Three sneezes was all it takes for me to take him to see the paed. LOL. Fever is not something you should take for granted, true, especially in very young children, but you shouldn't panic too easily either. Know what works or could work for your kids, and you will be more confident to tackle their issues. 

If you are against modern medicine, you can stop reading now. I am the type that will go with whatever that works for my family so yeah that includes liquid PCM, suppository med, essential oils, honey, chicken soup, lotsa plain water and lotsa hugs. As a mommy, it'd best to have these on stand-by: digital thermometer, liquid PCM & supp. 

Sponge till it drops!

The moment your kid's temp reaches 37.5c, take off his clothing and start sponging, using sponge or soft cloth, soaked in room temp water. Trust me his temp would drop immediately. Pay more attention to armpits, joints, behind ears and private areas. 

"Medicines are like colouful little doctors" - Hadi 

Administer some liquid PCM (check kids weight for dosage). If it's night time, insert a supp as well (this is a protocol taught by our family doctor). Give PCM every 4 hourly if necessary. Sponge every now and then. Make him drink lotsa plain water. Give some honey. Feed him homemade chicken soup and give lots of hugs. Oh and force them to sleep / rest. 

Rub a dub dub

If you're into essential oils, lavender, lemon, peppermint and/or eucalyptus can be diluted with carrier oil (I usually use organic VCO) & be massaged on your kids' feet bottom, base of the neck, temple. They can also be diffused; your house will smell fresh and nice too. Some mommies use lemons socks (put lemon slice inside socks and make kids wear them) but this never work with my kids because they hated it. Well, I would too. 

If after all these protocols have been done and still the fever doesn't subside, take him to see a doctor for blood test and all that. Better safe than sorry! Oh and mommies, be prepared to hear LOTSA WHINING. They come with that, yes.

LOL. And be sure it isn't just that before you let them skip school.

Snapshots of moments.

(The first two paras are from my phone notes written back in March) 

The life you see on Instagram or any social media that is, is not real life. They are snapshots of moments, a small fraction of someone's reality. 

We see photos of young children behaving impeccably and we look at our kids and think, why can't you be more like them? When in fact what we see is only a frozen 2 seconds of their life. Marion Caunter's life, for instant, seems picture perfect on Instagram but who really knows what goes on behind the screen? (I bet her reality is perfect too though LOL) This is why sometimes it's really shocking when we hear of news like when a couple got a divorce, because I just saw them looking happy on an overseas trip together last month? Or that she just got retrenched? But she is always happily sharing her new handbag collections! She's a bitchy boss?! But she seems so loved by her people?!

Behind the fabulous family vacation we see on Instagram for example, are just the same thing we parents face everyday. Sibling fights, whining bored/ hot/ sleepy / tired kids, struggle to get them kids to eat / sit quietly / nap. LOL. But the snippets of moments we choose to share are almost always the sweetest, because that's just how we want to remember it.

I can't imagine if social medias exist when I was growing up. The process of personal growth and self discovery was hard enough without peer pressure constantly bugging your life at the palm of your hand. Sigh I weep for younger generation.

We share a small part of our lives that we are comfortable to bare to the world, but you don't always need to know about the night I quarreled with my husband and felt bad, or the day my firstborn made me so mad my heart almost burst out of anger and sadness, or the tears I had every time I feel melancholic about my special child. Only recently after 3 years did I first openly write about Noah and my heart felt at ease after I did that, because sometimes getting things out of your system can be detoxifying for your soul. 

Most of us pick and choose what we share with people, even more so on social medias. Some people are of the view that this is another version of hypocrisy. I don't think so. Social media is after all just a platform for us to connect to the people around us, via snapshots and sharing of opinions and what nots. 

Choosing the best photos among all that have been ruined by your kids making ugly faces, putting on some filters to hide your overly tired mommy face, thinking of a funny / insightful caption to match ---- there's nothing wrong about all this, simply a quick editing skill. Hypocrisy comes in when you start stretching out the truth and sharing make-belief moments just to get validations from others. Don't! Stay true to yourself, take beautiful photos of your life for memories sake, and be kind -- if you have nothing nice to say to others on social medias, just STFU.

The boy with the sketchbook.

I am now renaming Hadi to The Boy with the Sketchbook because more than 300 people have made the same comment to me: Hadi ni sentiasa ada buku untuk melukis / Hadi always has a paper and pen to draw on. 

For a 7 year old, he draws quite well. Better than I was when I was 7 at least. I never really noticed this until I have lots of people coming to me commenting on his drawings and the fact that he draws from his memory. Dozens of sketchbooks fill our house, all filled with his drawings from when he was smaller until now. He brings sketch book / paper and pen almost everywhere and if he forgets them, he'd be really mad if I don't have a paper in my handbag that he could borrow, but I usually do. He'd even draw on tissue paper if he has to. This is partly because we only let him have my phone or his dad's tab occasionally (kalau dapat gadget lupalah about drawing) and partly because he doesn't really like to talk to people, so I guess drawing is part of his escapism from having to socialize. People will come to him and ask about his drawings and he will just smile and continue sketching. This is one weird boy I tell you. 

At a Raya open house recently, I heard a girl gushing to her friends and later to her dad, about Hadi and his drawings and I was like, my Hadi?! Really you were talking about my Hadi? LOL. She was all swooning! 

Apparently there are still girls who are into arts, Hadi, like when I first saw your dad's depiction of Super Darbi (our Jurisprudence lecturer) in a lecture hall LOL, but you wouldn't know that until you're much older because boo hoo you go to an all boys school.

Me at the said open house, with The Boy with the Sketchbook.

All you need is love.

This is from my previous blog, Neurotically Speaking, a simple illustrated list for new mommies on what your teeny tiny newborn would need in the first few months of life. But really, all they realllllyyyy need is you!

Mini harem.

"Perhaps all women live with a mini harem inside and the discrepancy, tension and hard-achieved harmony 
among our conflicting selves is what really makes us ourselves." 

I bought this book in a quaint little shop in Taksim, Istanbul selling old books, old maps and antiques, and books by local authors. The scent of the shop is intoxicating but that's another story. 

This is not the kind of book you can read in one go. It is still a work in progress for me but I do enjoy her writing. Elif Shafak was once one of those feminists; hugely independent and never in her adult life has imagined herself as a mother. Then she fell in love and got pregnant. I looooove how she explores the raw emotion of a new mother. Of how a kid would change your life, your freedom and ambition. How can you write when there's a little person who depends on you, needing and whining and clinging on to you? How do you go back to the carefree, smart woman you once were? 

You won't, I guess. You will grow. You will grow to be better, you will gain maturity and new strength. You will be happier, or maybe not, depending on your own action and reaction. But you will never be the same woman you were once before. 

I love how she questions the way society treats women & there is a story she told of a very talented poet, who could almost be as good as Rumi but one day, she got her period and boom, she became "just a lady". And a lady should not have an ambition, she should stay low and wait for someone to ask for her hand in marriage and be a child bearer. So this forgotten poet got married, had kids and her poems and poetry simply withered away. It is heart breaking, really. 

I also love how Elif wrote about Anais Nin and her infamous maids that Anais writes a lot about. How the maids were the reason Anais ever had the time she had to write and be succesful. But did the maids themselves have no other ambition and dreams? Could they have become famous and succesful too if they were given the chance? 

I am thankful for my helper as she is the reason I get to sometimes play lawyer, do my craft, go on dates with my husband and have a life outside of being a mommy. I used to have no such help and trust me when I say having a good, reliable helper will drastically change your life in a very good way. But I do wonder if Yun would prefer being a rich man's wife or a singer (she sings a lot) or maybe a lawyer herself (she was a cigarette factory worker before). Of course she would! But our mission in life is to be the best version of ourselves, to make the world around us a better place. She becoming a good helper gives meaning and assistance to our family and in return, we help to provide for her daughters' education and thus, better future. 

How wonderful are the mini harems with all its different mini voices inside us.

Unsung heroes.

(Another one from my phone notes. I remember writing this on the day Noah got a fever after months of good health -- he used to get sick very easily when he was smaller. It was also the day Hadi made a cute remark that "medicines are like colourful little doctors." LOL)

Having a special need child will change the way you view life. You learn to celebrate little achievements, like when Noah first gained his neck control after countless therapies, or the first time he turned himself at the age of 2, or his hysterical laugh we get to hear sometimes. It is easy for these things to go unnoticed with your normal children. It is just another little milestones for them but for a special need child, it is a huge one, life-changing, making us believe in hopes and miracles. 

All these strong mommies I have met along the way, with children of different kind of disabilities and delays, I have nothing but respect and admiration for them. These mommies are the unsung heroes, taking every trials as it comes, believing in their children and never stop trying, bracing the odds. I believe God tests only those who are strong enough to face the tribulations, and if we redha, never give up hopes and persevere, He will reward us in the hereafter. 

For the growing trees are strengthened, if they withstand the storms.

What boys are made of.

I had my third boy on my sixth year as a mommy so it's safe to say that I have had quite a number of experience by then, my shares of ups and downs and my personal collections of dos and don'ts. 

And so with this one, I let him explore more. I let him climb things, scribble on stuffs, play with dirt, get down and dirty with animals and plants. Basically I wasn't this obsessed, scared young mommy I used to be. This has proven to be a good thing as this one has turned out to be more resilient, more self sustaining, outdoorsy and confident. Well as confident as a 21 months old could be LOL. 

"Along with milk and vegetables, 

kids need a steady diet of rocks and worms. 

Rocks need skipping. 

Holes need digging. 

Water needs splashing. 

Bugs and frogs and slimy stuff need finding". 

Author Anonymous

He ain't heavy.

It is evidently obvious how much Saif worships his taiko big brother. My third boy is a lover. He is loving and affectionate, always ready for a cuddle and kiss. You'd melt if you see him with Noah, how he'd lovingly caress Noah's head, occasionally hugging and planting kisses on Noah's cheek. 

But the love he has for Hadi is of a different kind. A love-hate relationship, the -- I can't stand you but I really want to be around you because you're just the coolest -- kind of love. It is somewhat funny and sad at the same time. 

Did you see the gif. clip of a monkey kid shoving his baby brother into the river? Captioned as 'proof that older siblings are jerks in every species', I thought it captured the essence of their relationship really well LOL. 

Siblings; can't stand them, can't live without them.

Special.

You'd probably realized by now that my second child is, well, different. We detected that something was not quite right with Noah when he was around 6 months old. Ever since then, we have been to countless hospital visits, had many hospital stays, met with many specialists, when through a lot of probing and tests, done extensive research and of course, gave alternative medicines/ religious healing a try. Only recently this year that we have finally gotten a diagnosis, and as I am still uncomfortable to publicly talk about it in details, suffice to say that I am a mommy of a special need angel. 

Oh an angel he truly is. 

But it ain't easy for sure. We go to therapies twice a week, for almost four years now. We struggle with his diet and health issues. We sometimes get really melancholic about his future. And it gets lonely sometimes. Parenting a special need kid is a lonely journey. The only time you feel belong is when you are with other special kid mommies, we understand each other, never batting an eyelash, never judging. 

But this is the life we are given with. The only way to live this life is to be positive and trust in His plan. Noah is truly a blessing and his brothers really dote on him. And I am thankful to be chosen in this journey.

Growing pains.

(This is from my phone notes in December 2016)  

My firstborn is starting big boys school soon. This is a cliche rhetoric question but when did he grow up so fast? It felt like just some time ago we potty trained him and enrolled him at Hilltop (by we I mean my mom. I didn't have the patience. LOL) 

Hadi is going to an all boys school, like his dad. I don't know if this will make him weirder and more socially awkward but his dad turned out OK-ish with some good kind of weird hehehe so I'm giving it a try. And well well, he got into a good class, exceeding my expectation of him. LOL. I am just worried that 1) he'd have a hard time for the transition to learning in Malay now after three years of English education, 2) he will stay the same very quiet kid that he was in kindergarten, 3) he'd pick up bad behaviours from bigger boys or worse, got bullied. 

But such is the process of life. You grow through what you have to go through. I refuse to play helicopter mommy, the kind who will hover on every aspects of his life and cushions his every fall. He needs to learn to face his own issues, but I will be there for him every steps of the way, with guidance, comfort and most importantly, prayer. 

After all, he'll always be my baby.

Big boys school look. Gone is his long, beautiful locks. Tsskk.

What me-time?

What does it take to get your kids' attention? Talk on the phone. Sit down comfortably and start reading. Start eating. These are among others, yeah. When will they not want to talk to you? When you ask them to. Kids are weird. I probably was too.

  

 Different era. Same mommy problems. LOL.

Happy wife, happy life.

(This is from my phone notes I wrote back in March. Ever since I abandoned my previous blog, I have been writing a lot in my notes. LOL) 

Yesterday I saw a young mom with her 2 young kids at Klinik Kesihatan. She was radiant and smiling, never snapping at her toddler, always playing with her baby. I thought to myself, this is such a happy mommy. What gives? Then her husband came and her face lit up. Throughout waiting, they talked and laughed and at one point her husband pinched her cheek ever so lovingly. And at that moment I realized, this is why she looks so happy.

It's true you shouldn't build your life around your spouse but it can't be helped, you're in this thing together, anything you do and everything that you are will affect your significant other and vice versa. So yeah, be nice to your spouse. Go home early today and talk and listen to each other. If you've had a stupid fight, just let it go, life's too short to hold petty grudges. Petty, I say, petty! If it's a huge one, go crazy! And laugh. It's so important to laugh together. 

Remember guys, happy wife = happy home = happy kids = happy life. It's no rocket science equation, really.

Trophy wife.

If you have yet to read Siti Hasmah's biography, My Name Is Hasmah, I suggest you pick it up the next chance you get. I have so much love for this book. I urge you to give it a read, you will not be disappointed, I promise. I love her even more so after reading this, if that's possible. 

It helps that the memoir was a light, easy read. In the chapter where she talks about Tun Mahathir, I like that she said, "the key to a good husband and wife relationship is love and fresh air." Her love, respect and dedication to Tun M is apparent even after 61 years of marriage. 

We may not all be a Prime Minister's wife. Her path is surely much different, broader with more challenges along the way, but this memoir is very relatable to us wife / mothers; of daily struggles to juggle career and family, devotion and loyalty to husband and kids, and staying true to ourselves while we're at that. 

An inspiration like no other, an amazing role model for us women.

Neurotically speaking. As a mother.

Some of you may probably know me or may have been readers of my previous blog, Neurotically Speaking, so hi there old friends! I have been wanting to blog again for a while, for no apparent reasons. Micro blogging sites is really taking a toll on real blogs, don't you think so? At least it is in my case. So anyways, I have been wanting to blog again, but I found myself to be a much much much different person now then when I first started Neurotically Speaking. And so this blog begins its journey, to share my anecdotes, thoughts, personal views and well, my life as a mother, wife, and everything in between.

Motherhood unfiltered at its best. Welcome back, old friends!