Mom of three; what's one more?

As I have joyfully shared on my Instagram, I have been putting on a few kilos, adding some cheeks and nasty pimples to my face, and spotting a baby bump these days. I am overjoyed alhamdulillah. Oh hello Baby #4, insyaAllah.

If you were followers of my previous blog (yes the three of you), you'd know that I struggled with fertility in our early years of marriage. I suffered miscarriage twice and I have always vouched to how it was a very heartbreaking and lonely experience. My pregnancy with my firstborn felt like a miracle and was tended with a lot of care and caution. It helped that I got to sleep as much as my body desired, watched as much TV as I wanted that is not cartoon and not having any little human to worry about. I also ate a lot and transformed into a whale.

It is not the same with every pregnancies. This time around, I crave less sweets which is good for my weight but suffers breakouts and skin issues. And with three handful small boys***, it goes without saying how tired a mommy can be. I don't even know exhaustion anymore. I just go with the flow, take whatever sleep I can get, and drink coffee. Yes I still take my caffeine, please don't judge me.

This was taken yesterday. My eye bags are testament to my lack of beauty sleep.

*** Yes three handful small boys. The eldest and the youngest are a couple of loud Tom & Jerry, eat a lot, most of the time sticky and any long sticks found can be used as weapon against each other. And in between all that, there's homework and revisions for the eldest which always end up with me almost getting a heart attack, there's Noah's therapies, and my obsessive need to cook for the kids every single day. I could have asked the maid, but no, I am crazy. 

But yeah, what's one more, alang-alang dah gila dan letih gila. LOL.

Small things in a great way.

Yesterday was my youngest boy’s birthday and I was missing my MIL. A lot. Because she has always been there for all my kids’ birthdays, always a good sport. I don’t know many people who have the kind of relationship I had with my MIL. She’s always referring me to people as her daughter instead of daughter in law and she makes me feel like I’m one of her own. I transitioned into her family with ease and this will always remind me of the doa I made in front of the kaabah; I prayed for a good spouse and equally good in laws and alhamdulillah, I got them. 

It has been 9 months without her in our lives and although her spirit is still very much around, sometimes I miss her so much I can’t seem to tell others because I wouldn’t think people would believe and/or understand. After all, I am just the daughter in law. But really, it feels like there is an empty hole in my heart. I really miss having her around. It doesn't help that sometimes I feel like I am filling a huge shoes now that she’s gone and I am the only woman  left anchoring the family. How am I supposed to be positive and all that all the time?! I am just me. 

You know how they say if you cannot do great things, then you must do small things in great way. She is a testament to that. A simple person but is awesome in so many ways. The kind of person who would always rise above the condition she is put in, she radiates positivity and calmness even in chaotic and stressful situation. She has been tested in so many ways but she remained the cool and lovable person through it all. Even her final battle against cancer was fought like a goddess, never complaining, almost always in good mood until one day, Allah decided it’s time for her to go somewhere better, more deserving of her. If you know my MIL personally, you would nod in agreement to everything you have read here and you will now be reminded of her beautiful soul. 

I hope I will have enough good deeds so that one day we may meet again in Jannah. I miss you, Mak. A lot. Al-Fatihah.