To be loved, to be expected.

(This was written on my phone notes last Sunday)

I asked the young lady what time will she be off work and she said 8. I imagined being in her shoes, so young and single, she gets to go home and do whatever her heart pleases; maybe tapau some burger tepi jalan or nasi bungkus with teh ais, go home straight to the couch, watch anything she wants on Netflix, and later sleep uninterruptedly. Ah how carefree her life must be; nobody demanding anything, no little people needing attention.

But later the day I went home to my little people; the two stooges ran out of the house happily to greet us when they saw our car. Spent some time helping the eldest with his homework, gave Noah a massage, watched the TV with Saif while playing with the baby. And I thought to myself; this is not too shabby after all. At the end of the day, all this tiny seemingly insignificant details of our lives, they are what really matters.

“What a miracle it is to have people to come home to every day.

To be loved.

To be expected.

I thought I appreciated every moment, but sitting here in the cold, I know I took it all for granted. And how could I not? Until everything topples, we have no idea what we actually have, how precariously and perfectly it all hangs together.” ― Blake Crouch, Dark Matter

Of do's and don'ts.

I have graduated from my ‘pantang school’ for about a week or so, although not with flying colours I must say. Since the last time I wrote, I have entered into late thirties, tsskk, my husband and I turned ten, and I have been freed from my confinement period, yeay.

If you adhere to your postnatal confinement strictly, good for you. As a mother of four with three older kids, I cannot afford to do so, for my kids’ sake but mostly for my own sanity. LOL. Seriously, I am sure I'd go crazy. Malay postpartum pantang is good, if done in moderation. I do not agree 100% with the do’s and don’ts, but for most part, it is good. They are designed to help your body heal faster and relax, after having gone through such major transformation and what nots during pregnancy. I do what I can, I choose those pantang larang that I believe in, and that’s that. It helped that both my mother and my late mother in law are very lenient when it comes to this as well, although this time around I was mostly on my own.

I just don’t get it when people start to condemn others who choose not to observe pantang strictly. You don’t want to go out even an inch from the comfort of your house? Then do it your way. I choose to go out for coffee once in a while for my sanity and it helps me be a better, happier mom. We can all do it our way and celebrate our differences. She silang kaki, the other she terbaring lurus. She masak every day for her family’s sake, the other she just lepak watch TV. She carries her older kids, the other she wouldn’t even lift a plate. She basuh her hair, the other she just use dry shampoo. She minum lotsa water for hydration and milk supply, the other she limits her water intake to avoid bloating. As long as your way does not give negative impact to you or your baby, YOU DO YOU.

This I wrote after reading some comments on one celebrity’s social media account. Poor lady couldn’t be left alone, every single thing she does after giving birth was scrutinized. Why silang kaki? Why go out so soon? Why isn’t the baby clothed? Isn’t it too soon for sauna? Is the aircond on? Why are you putting on make-up? Good God, some people can be so penyibuk, I tell you. Do you not have your own family to care for?

I may not observe my pantang strictly to get a distinction but alhamdulillah, I am feeling healthy, I have lost all the weight I gained during pregnancy and I hope to lose more after I resume my cycling, and most importantly, I am feeling good. 

So mommies who just gave birth, choose what is good for you, drink lots of water, eat good pantang food and fruits, get a good masseuse, let the Klinik Kesihatan nurses come over and do their work, and spend your free vacation time to enjoy your baby and your kids; YOU DO YOU, okay? Have fun berpantang!

36 year old mother of four, 48 days postpartum. 

Feeling awesome, alhamdulillah.

Loving beyond whats and whys.

Today my firstborn asked the question again, as Noah was having his home therapy session, "Noah is 5, why isn't he talking and walking and eating like Saif? Saif is just 3." And to that my usual answer would be, "Because Noah is special. But you must always doa for him." 

It really is difficult to explain to an 8 year old, why is his little brother "special"? Why is his little brother different from them? What makes him that way and why? Telling Hadi about his brother's medical condition would be too advanced but to explain it using faith and fate, qada and qadar, would it be too much for his childish mind? I would usually resort to the same old answer, "Allah makes him that way, he is special and we must always love and care for him". It doesn't satisfy Hadi but more often than not, he knows enough not to ask further.  

But I love that this gives him more awareness and empathy. The other day we saw a girl on a wheelchair at the park and Hadi said lovingly, "the girl is special, just like Noah." 

Maybe when you're older, you'd understand, Hadi. That sometimes things you can't change will end up changing you instead. And that sometimes you don't need to question the what and why and just embrace fate with our faith and a pinch of sense of humour. And most importantly, to continue loving unconditionally.  

Little girl with her head in the clouds.

When we first found out our fourth is going to be a girl, I got cold feet. I have three boys! I have never mothered a girl before. This is a whole new curve for me. I was afraid to deal with a girl's mood swings, her drama and temperament, but most importantly I fear that I am unfit to mother a girl.

Yea basically I was fearful. I still am. And this is why. It is because I am a girl myself. I've been there. I have faced the peer pressure, the insecurities, the heartbreak, the ups and downs of being a girl in a man's world. It is a scary big world for a girl and I fear that I am not a good enough role model for her.

But let's do this together, baby girl. Let's grow and be better together. Will we be best friends? I don't know. But I promise I will always be there for you to look up to and fall back on.

Here's our girl, whose name means a Star From Heaven. The whole family is madly in love with her sweet face, tiny feet and all that. 

Welcome to this imperfect world. We've got your back, girl. 

Junior parents.

You can easily spot a first time parents. They usually are the ones who carry an XL diaper bag with all the craps you can imagine for a 2 hour outing. They are the ones who rush to the emergency when their kid fell and scrape his knees, the ones who immediately book a paed appointment when their kid sneezes. They are the ones planning their kid's first birthday party when he has barely turn 8 months. They are the ones who insist on everything organic for their kid's first food. They are the ones who are still trying to do everything by the book; be it Miriam or Spock or Heidi. Their kids wear shiny new clothes and has all the latest toys for brain and motor development.

I should know. I used to be almost all that too. LOL. And then the second one came around and I started to lower my standard for the sake of my own sanity. Then the third one came and now the fourth one and the rest as they say, is history --- hand-me-down toys and clothes, private family-only birthday parties (and by parties I mean balloons and cakes and nothing more), let's put this essential oil and eat the supplement first and see how it goes before going to the doctor, please eat whatever I cook or just grab a cookie, go climb that door grill will you, it's good for your motor skill --- I am more these than the former now. It doesn't mean I love my kids less, it just means I am more experienced and frankly, a little more tired.

And yes, I've given birth to my fourth and she's an angel (what else can you be at age 17 days?) but more on that later. Kisses!

Mother of one, 2011. Spot my XL diaper bag. LOL.

Empty nest.

“Mad house,” my husband uttered jokingly as we were leaving home for work today and the kids were you know, being kids; they were having shower together, laughing, quarrelling, screaming, sliding, making mess in the toilet.

“One day our house will be empty and we will miss this madness,” I replied.

These kids. They take over your life and one by one of them will bid you good bye and you’ll be left with an empty nest, less daily drama and a whole lot of free me-times. How do parents let go of their kid as early as 13? How did my parents let go of me when I was 13? Sure Hadi can be annoying most of the times LOL but I cannot imagine my home without him. I will definitely yell a lot lesser LOL, and there will be peace and calmness; but how boring will my days be? No one expecting my home cooked food, nobody to argue TV time with, no big brother to help me out with the younger ones. And by help, I mean dragging his foot in protest and grunting nonsense while half-heartedly doing the things I ask him to do.

But I guess that’s what parents do, we plant and nurture their roots, and then give them wings for them to leave their nest and soar higher. And we wait, we wait for them to come home once in a while to rest their wings. Just like our parents. It’s a never ending life cycle.

Damn these pregnancy hormones.

What's in my hospital bag?

Last weekend I finally got my lazy bum to finish packing for the hospital blind date with the baby in my tummy. Funny how it is my fourth baby and I still had to google on what should I pack for my bag and the baby’s. If you’re a first time mommy, it is better to read up on experienced mommies’ tips and tricks, because not everything that the book says you must pack, you should.

So when is the right time to pack your hospital bag? Basically, if your pregnancy has no medical issues, the ideal time is from maybe the 35^th week of your pregnancy. You can always pack sooner of course, it is totally up to you. But don’t do it past 38^th week, you'd want to have the bag ready for your peace of mind.

HOSPITAL BAG CHECKLIST FOR MOMMIES & BABIES:

I have listed above, the essential stuffs I think you should pack for both you and your baby. You can always add other stuffs for your peace of mind; like the Quran, magazines or novels, aromatherapy if you’re into that stuff, mini fan, snacks and what nots. Hospital stays for vaginal delivery is usually 1-2 days on average but c-section delivery will usually require you to stay longer. So set aside some extra clothing and what not at home, just in case you need to stay at the hospital longer. Because if your spouse is like mine, he will never find any of my stuffs if he had to, even if his life counts on it. LOL. 

Good luck to us delivering soon, mommies!

Blind date.

They say labour is the only blind date where you know you will meet the love of your life. But I was never one of you lucky mommies who had pain-free and/or short labour. All three of mine were painful, and definitely not short. The third one though, maybe because of past experiences, was more bearable and peaceful compared to the first two. 

My first experience was the worst, with Hadi being overdue for 10 days, then I was induced and suffice to say, the pain was the greatest I have ever experienced in my life. After what felt like 34 hours of pain, I asked for epidural and I thanked God for whoever invented it. Oh it didn’t stop there. After maybe an hour or two, I felt the pain again and the anesthetist had to be called in the middle of the night to top up my dosage. Why did my baby hate me so much? (He is obsessed with me now though) After a long non progressing labour, I had to go through an emergency c-section. They had to put me completely to sleep because even after topping up my epi yet again, I could still feel the slice of the knife. LOL. What was wrong with me?! It took me 1 hour to wake up from my “sleep” and the nurse was already getting worried. Then Hadi had wet lung due to the long labour and had to stay in the hospital for 5 days. I guess this is partly the reason it took me many years to finally be ready for the second child. 

Noah’s one was relatively better. But I went to the maternity clinic emergency too early because my contraction was getting worse and I was feeling scared, but the cervix opening was not progressing. It was only 2cm when I arrived but I had to be warded immediately after the midwife saw the CTG result. I had to stay with 7 other mothers in the same ward (it was a full house that night), with ¾ of them basically screaming and cringing and whining in pain the whole night long. Kau dahlah sakit, kau kena dengar orang lain punya sakit, macam nak gila rasanya. I kept going to the toilet for some peace and I remember banging my head on the toilet wall so many times because the labour pain and all the screaming were driving me crazy. Subuh came and I was only 5cm dilated so the husband left for home to freshen up but what do you know, the progress suddenly sped up and by 7 or so, Noah came into this world, via VBAC. 

With Saif, I stayed home at MIL's the whole night even when I was already feeling the painful contraction starting. I timed my contraction using the contraction timer app on my phone, danced and swayed and layan my contraction all by myself in the comfort of familiar, quiet place. It was very painful but at least it was peaceful. Subuh came and I told the husband it was time for us to go to the hospital and by the time we reached there, I was already 7cm dilated. I was already out of energy by the time I was fully dilated because I didn’t have my dinner and breakfast but thankfully all was well. 

I don’t know if it gets better with each labour but I think you could handle your body better, maybe? But pain free has never been in my book although I am really hoping this time around it will be less painful and quicker, oh please Allah let it be fast and fun. 35 more days to go and I am so torn between “Oh God I am so anxious and nervous to go through labour again and be a mother of four” VS “I am so tired yet excited, let’s just get this over with, I can’t wait to see my baby.” Pregnant women emotion is so hay-wire.

SUPER HUGE AND TIRED AND FEELING BLEURGH.