Love thyself.

Audrey in The Letdown (have you watched the Australian series on Netflix? I loved it) talked about the polemics of making the right decisions as mothers and women. How “it’s really interrogating why we attach shame to so many decisions that we make as mothers and the role of community, culture and isolation in all of that.” She said this mommy-shaming is “a psycho-social-cultural construct.” 

It’s true. Moms are always shamed, questioned and sometimes ridiculed for the choices they make, especially if it is what some would call selfish. It’s a really vast topic I would like to explore  one day but today I am focusing on loving yourself; taking time out for yourself as your own person / as a couple.

Did you read Vivy Yusof’s post of people DM-ing her, asking how could she leave her kids to have fun and what kind of mother she is yada yada yada. Oh my my, first of all, why do you have so much time on your hand, minding people’s business and all that, where are all those kids you need to be with 24/7? I don’t agree with some people’s choices too but I don’t go around DM-ing strangers expressing my unsolicited opinion. I’ve got my own life to live.

I remember the famous Dr. Fatin Liyana getting the same backlashes when she went on a vacation with her husband, leaving behind her firstborn with the grannies. Some even said, “Ooo I keluar makan pun tak boleh tinggal anak.” Kesianlah, rindulah. The poor blogger doctor was on her holiday and she had to write a post to explain why she chose to leave her! I guess it’s the price you have to pay for being famous but I found it so ridiculous that other mommies cared so much what she chose to do with her life. Go mind your own freaking children!

It’s no brainer that I agree with Vivy that “there is nothing wrong with a mom enjoying her other times – your husband / wife time, girlfriends time, work time, alone time”. If you don’t remember the last time you laugh like you were 20, you need your girls’ day out, girl. If you forget when was the last time you talk to your husband about anything other than your kids, please go on a date night! If you can’t seem to remember who you really are anymore, get yourself a hobby! You deserve all that, mommies. Your partner deserve a happy wife. Your kids deserve a contented mommy.

I love my kids to death and enjoy their company a lot but I love painting with my bedroom door closed, watching Netflix when they are all asleep, working  and reading alone in the peace and quiet of my small office room, going out with my friends once in a while, going on dates with my husband, cycling and movies and coffee, traveling just the two of us. We always had a great time traveling and vacationing with the kids (using the word 'always' very loosely here LOL), but travelling just the two of us is another level of great time. It does wonder to your relationship. 

While all these are great for my sanity and contentment, which helps me be a better mom, if you don’t agree to them, let’s just agree to disagree and mind our own motherhood. I say it always and I’ll say it again, stop mommy shaming! This parenting gig is hard enough. As long as we are all trying our best to raise good people, we’re good. Don't forget to love thyself while you're at it.

Your mom cycles for her sanity and your safety, kids.

Taking our miracles where we can find them.

This is supposed to a personal parenting blog and the fact that the writer's last post was back when her new baby was 2 months old does tell a lot about parenthood, doesn't it?

PARENTHOOD IS FREAKING TIRING. Sometimes this business of raising little humans give you so much high you could die from happiness, but sometimes it is frustrating and sucks the life out of you.

When the latter hits you, just remember you are not alone, most mothers feel the same way because, we're just human. That seemingly perfect mom you see on your social media feeds, they have their lowest of low days too, trust me. Take a breather, buy yourself some bubble tea, and at the end of the day, pray to God, for He who has chosen us on this motherhood path, has the answers for everything. 

"At the end of a day like this, when so many prayers are answered and so many aren’t, we take our miracles where we find them. We reach across the gap and sometimes, against all odds, against all logic, we touch." - Grey's Anatomy.

(It is tiring but it is worth it. It is tiring but it is worth it. It is tiring but it is worth it.) 

Till next post (hopefully soon), stay sane and rock that motherhood hat!

To be loved, to be expected.

(This was written on my phone notes last Sunday)

I asked the young lady what time will she be off work and she said 8. I imagined being in her shoes, so young and single, she gets to go home and do whatever her heart pleases; maybe tapau some burger tepi jalan or nasi bungkus with teh ais, go home straight to the couch, watch anything she wants on Netflix, and later sleep uninterruptedly. Ah how carefree her life must be; nobody demanding anything, no little people needing attention.

But later the day I went home to my little people; the two stooges ran out of the house happily to greet us when they saw our car. Spent some time helping the eldest with his homework, gave Noah a massage, watched the TV with Saif while playing with the baby. And I thought to myself; this is not too shabby after all. At the end of the day, all this tiny seemingly insignificant details of our lives, they are what really matters.

“What a miracle it is to have people to come home to every day.

To be loved.

To be expected.

I thought I appreciated every moment, but sitting here in the cold, I know I took it all for granted. And how could I not? Until everything topples, we have no idea what we actually have, how precariously and perfectly it all hangs together.” ― Blake Crouch, Dark Matter

Of do's and don'ts.

I have graduated from my ‘pantang school’ for about a week or so, although not with flying colours I must say. Since the last time I wrote, I have entered into late thirties, tsskk, my husband and I turned ten, and I have been freed from my confinement period, yeay.

If you adhere to your postnatal confinement strictly, good for you. As a mother of four with three older kids, I cannot afford to do so, for my kids’ sake but mostly for my own sanity. LOL. Seriously, I am sure I'd go crazy. Malay postpartum pantang is good, if done in moderation. I do not agree 100% with the do’s and don’ts, but for most part, it is good. They are designed to help your body heal faster and relax, after having gone through such major transformation and what nots during pregnancy. I do what I can, I choose those pantang larang that I believe in, and that’s that. It helped that both my mother and my late mother in law are very lenient when it comes to this as well, although this time around I was mostly on my own.

I just don’t get it when people start to condemn others who choose not to observe pantang strictly. You don’t want to go out even an inch from the comfort of your house? Then do it your way. I choose to go out for coffee once in a while for my sanity and it helps me be a better, happier mom. We can all do it our way and celebrate our differences. She silang kaki, the other she terbaring lurus. She masak every day for her family’s sake, the other she just lepak watch TV. She carries her older kids, the other she wouldn’t even lift a plate. She basuh her hair, the other she just use dry shampoo. She minum lotsa water for hydration and milk supply, the other she limits her water intake to avoid bloating. As long as your way does not give negative impact to you or your baby, YOU DO YOU.

This I wrote after reading some comments on one celebrity’s social media account. Poor lady couldn’t be left alone, every single thing she does after giving birth was scrutinized. Why silang kaki? Why go out so soon? Why isn’t the baby clothed? Isn’t it too soon for sauna? Is the aircond on? Why are you putting on make-up? Good God, some people can be so penyibuk, I tell you. Do you not have your own family to care for?

I may not observe my pantang strictly to get a distinction but alhamdulillah, I am feeling healthy, I have lost all the weight I gained during pregnancy and I hope to lose more after I resume my cycling, and most importantly, I am feeling good. 

So mommies who just gave birth, choose what is good for you, drink lots of water, eat good pantang food and fruits, get a good masseuse, let the Klinik Kesihatan nurses come over and do their work, and spend your free vacation time to enjoy your baby and your kids; YOU DO YOU, okay? Have fun berpantang!

36 year old mother of four, 48 days postpartum. 

Feeling awesome, alhamdulillah.

Loving beyond whats and whys.

Today my firstborn asked the question again, as Noah was having his home therapy session, "Noah is 5, why isn't he talking and walking and eating like Saif? Saif is just 3." And to that my usual answer would be, "Because Noah is special. But you must always doa for him." 

It really is difficult to explain to an 8 year old, why is his little brother "special"? Why is his little brother different from them? What makes him that way and why? Telling Hadi about his brother's medical condition would be too advanced but to explain it using faith and fate, qada and qadar, would it be too much for his childish mind? I would usually resort to the same old answer, "Allah makes him that way, he is special and we must always love and care for him". It doesn't satisfy Hadi but more often than not, he knows enough not to ask further.  

But I love that this gives him more awareness and empathy. The other day we saw a girl on a wheelchair at the park and Hadi said lovingly, "the girl is special, just like Noah." 

Maybe when you're older, you'd understand, Hadi. That sometimes things you can't change will end up changing you instead. And that sometimes you don't need to question the what and why and just embrace fate with our faith and a pinch of sense of humour. And most importantly, to continue loving unconditionally.  

Little girl with her head in the clouds.

When we first found out our fourth is going to be a girl, I got cold feet. I have three boys! I have never mothered a girl before. This is a whole new curve for me. I was afraid to deal with a girl's mood swings, her drama and temperament, but most importantly I fear that I am unfit to mother a girl.

Yea basically I was fearful. I still am. And this is why. It is because I am a girl myself. I've been there. I have faced the peer pressure, the insecurities, the heartbreak, the ups and downs of being a girl in a man's world. It is a scary big world for a girl and I fear that I am not a good enough role model for her.

But let's do this together, baby girl. Let's grow and be better together. Will we be best friends? I don't know. But I promise I will always be there for you to look up to and fall back on.

Here's our girl, whose name means a Star From Heaven. The whole family is madly in love with her sweet face, tiny feet and all that. 

Welcome to this imperfect world. We've got your back, girl. 

Junior parents.

You can easily spot a first time parents. They usually are the ones who carry an XL diaper bag with all the craps you can imagine for a 2 hour outing. They are the ones who rush to the emergency when their kid fell and scrape his knees, the ones who immediately book a paed appointment when their kid sneezes. They are the ones planning their kid's first birthday party when he has barely turn 8 months. They are the ones who insist on everything organic for their kid's first food. They are the ones who are still trying to do everything by the book; be it Miriam or Spock or Heidi. Their kids wear shiny new clothes and has all the latest toys for brain and motor development.

I should know. I used to be almost all that too. LOL. And then the second one came around and I started to lower my standard for the sake of my own sanity. Then the third one came and now the fourth one and the rest as they say, is history --- hand-me-down toys and clothes, private family-only birthday parties (and by parties I mean balloons and cakes and nothing more), let's put this essential oil and eat the supplement first and see how it goes before going to the doctor, please eat whatever I cook or just grab a cookie, go climb that door grill will you, it's good for your motor skill --- I am more these than the former now. It doesn't mean I love my kids less, it just means I am more experienced and frankly, a little more tired.

And yes, I've given birth to my fourth and she's an angel (what else can you be at age 17 days?) but more on that later. Kisses!

Mother of one, 2011. Spot my XL diaper bag. LOL.