Love thyself.

Audrey in The Letdown (have you watched the Australian series on Netflix? I loved it) talked about the polemics of making the right decisions as mothers and women. How “it’s really interrogating why we attach shame to so many decisions that we make as mothers and the role of community, culture and isolation in all of that.” She said this mommy-shaming is “a psycho-social-cultural construct.” 

It’s true. Moms are always shamed, questioned and sometimes ridiculed for the choices they make, especially if it is what some would call selfish. It’s a really vast topic I would like to explore  one day but today I am focusing on loving yourself; taking time out for yourself as your own person / as a couple.

Did you read Vivy Yusof’s post of people DM-ing her, asking how could she leave her kids to have fun and what kind of mother she is yada yada yada. Oh my my, first of all, why do you have so much time on your hand, minding people’s business and all that, where are all those kids you need to be with 24/7? I don’t agree with some people’s choices too but I don’t go around DM-ing strangers expressing my unsolicited opinion. I’ve got my own life to live.

I remember the famous Dr. Fatin Liyana getting the same backlashes when she went on a vacation with her husband, leaving behind her firstborn with the grannies. Some even said, “Ooo I keluar makan pun tak boleh tinggal anak.” Kesianlah, rindulah. The poor blogger doctor was on her holiday and she had to write a post to explain why she chose to leave her! I guess it’s the price you have to pay for being famous but I found it so ridiculous that other mommies cared so much what she chose to do with her life. Go mind your own freaking children!

It’s no brainer that I agree with Vivy that “there is nothing wrong with a mom enjoying her other times – your husband / wife time, girlfriends time, work time, alone time”. If you don’t remember the last time you laugh like you were 20, you need your girls’ day out, girl. If you forget when was the last time you talk to your husband about anything other than your kids, please go on a date night! If you can’t seem to remember who you really are anymore, get yourself a hobby! You deserve all that, mommies. Your partner deserve a happy wife. Your kids deserve a contented mommy.

I love my kids to death and enjoy their company a lot but I love painting with my bedroom door closed, watching Netflix when they are all asleep, working  and reading alone in the peace and quiet of my small office room, going out with my friends once in a while, going on dates with my husband, cycling and movies and coffee, traveling just the two of us. We always had a great time traveling and vacationing with the kids (using the word 'always' very loosely here LOL), but travelling just the two of us is another level of great time. It does wonder to your relationship. 

While all these are great for my sanity and contentment, which helps me be a better mom, if you don’t agree to them, let’s just agree to disagree and mind our own motherhood. I say it always and I’ll say it again, stop mommy shaming! This parenting gig is hard enough. As long as we are all trying our best to raise good people, we’re good. Don't forget to love thyself while you're at it.

Your mom cycles for her sanity and your safety, kids.

Taking our miracles where we can find them.

This is supposed to a personal parenting blog and the fact that the writer's last post was back when her new baby was 2 months old does tell a lot about parenthood, doesn't it?

PARENTHOOD IS FREAKING TIRING. Sometimes this business of raising little humans give you so much high you could die from happiness, but sometimes it is frustrating and sucks the life out of you.

When the latter hits you, just remember you are not alone, most mothers feel the same way because, we're just human. That seemingly perfect mom you see on your social media feeds, they have their lowest of low days too, trust me. Take a breather, buy yourself some bubble tea, and at the end of the day, pray to God, for He who has chosen us on this motherhood path, has the answers for everything. 

"At the end of a day like this, when so many prayers are answered and so many aren’t, we take our miracles where we find them. We reach across the gap and sometimes, against all odds, against all logic, we touch." - Grey's Anatomy.

(It is tiring but it is worth it. It is tiring but it is worth it. It is tiring but it is worth it.) 

Till next post (hopefully soon), stay sane and rock that motherhood hat!

To be loved, to be expected.

(This was written on my phone notes last Sunday)

I asked the young lady what time will she be off work and she said 8. I imagined being in her shoes, so young and single, she gets to go home and do whatever her heart pleases; maybe tapau some burger tepi jalan or nasi bungkus with teh ais, go home straight to the couch, watch anything she wants on Netflix, and later sleep uninterruptedly. Ah how carefree her life must be; nobody demanding anything, no little people needing attention.

But later the day I went home to my little people; the two stooges ran out of the house happily to greet us when they saw our car. Spent some time helping the eldest with his homework, gave Noah a massage, watched the TV with Saif while playing with the baby. And I thought to myself; this is not too shabby after all. At the end of the day, all this tiny seemingly insignificant details of our lives, they are what really matters.

“What a miracle it is to have people to come home to every day.

To be loved.

To be expected.

I thought I appreciated every moment, but sitting here in the cold, I know I took it all for granted. And how could I not? Until everything topples, we have no idea what we actually have, how precariously and perfectly it all hangs together.” ― Blake Crouch, Dark Matter

Of do's and don'ts.

I have graduated from my ‘pantang school’ for about a week or so, although not with flying colours I must say. Since the last time I wrote, I have entered into late thirties, tsskk, my husband and I turned ten, and I have been freed from my confinement period, yeay.

If you adhere to your postnatal confinement strictly, good for you. As a mother of four with three older kids, I cannot afford to do so, for my kids’ sake but mostly for my own sanity. LOL. Seriously, I am sure I'd go crazy. Malay postpartum pantang is good, if done in moderation. I do not agree 100% with the do’s and don’ts, but for most part, it is good. They are designed to help your body heal faster and relax, after having gone through such major transformation and what nots during pregnancy. I do what I can, I choose those pantang larang that I believe in, and that’s that. It helped that both my mother and my late mother in law are very lenient when it comes to this as well, although this time around I was mostly on my own.

I just don’t get it when people start to condemn others who choose not to observe pantang strictly. You don’t want to go out even an inch from the comfort of your house? Then do it your way. I choose to go out for coffee once in a while for my sanity and it helps me be a better, happier mom. We can all do it our way and celebrate our differences. She silang kaki, the other she terbaring lurus. She masak every day for her family’s sake, the other she just lepak watch TV. She carries her older kids, the other she wouldn’t even lift a plate. She basuh her hair, the other she just use dry shampoo. She minum lotsa water for hydration and milk supply, the other she limits her water intake to avoid bloating. As long as your way does not give negative impact to you or your baby, YOU DO YOU.

This I wrote after reading some comments on one celebrity’s social media account. Poor lady couldn’t be left alone, every single thing she does after giving birth was scrutinized. Why silang kaki? Why go out so soon? Why isn’t the baby clothed? Isn’t it too soon for sauna? Is the aircond on? Why are you putting on make-up? Good God, some people can be so penyibuk, I tell you. Do you not have your own family to care for?

I may not observe my pantang strictly to get a distinction but alhamdulillah, I am feeling healthy, I have lost all the weight I gained during pregnancy and I hope to lose more after I resume my cycling, and most importantly, I am feeling good. 

So mommies who just gave birth, choose what is good for you, drink lots of water, eat good pantang food and fruits, get a good masseuse, let the Klinik Kesihatan nurses come over and do their work, and spend your free vacation time to enjoy your baby and your kids; YOU DO YOU, okay? Have fun berpantang!

36 year old mother of four, 48 days postpartum. 

Feeling awesome, alhamdulillah.

Little girl with her head in the clouds.

When we first found out our fourth is going to be a girl, I got cold feet. I have three boys! I have never mothered a girl before. This is a whole new curve for me. I was afraid to deal with a girl's mood swings, her drama and temperament, but most importantly I fear that I am unfit to mother a girl.

Yea basically I was fearful. I still am. And this is why. It is because I am a girl myself. I've been there. I have faced the peer pressure, the insecurities, the heartbreak, the ups and downs of being a girl in a man's world. It is a scary big world for a girl and I fear that I am not a good enough role model for her.

But let's do this together, baby girl. Let's grow and be better together. Will we be best friends? I don't know. But I promise I will always be there for you to look up to and fall back on.

Here's our girl, whose name means a Star From Heaven. The whole family is madly in love with her sweet face, tiny feet and all that. 

Welcome to this imperfect world. We've got your back, girl. 

Junior parents.

You can easily spot a first time parents. They usually are the ones who carry an XL diaper bag with all the craps you can imagine for a 2 hour outing. They are the ones who rush to the emergency when their kid fell and scrape his knees, the ones who immediately book a paed appointment when their kid sneezes. They are the ones planning their kid's first birthday party when he has barely turn 8 months. They are the ones who insist on everything organic for their kid's first food. They are the ones who are still trying to do everything by the book; be it Miriam or Spock or Heidi. Their kids wear shiny new clothes and has all the latest toys for brain and motor development.

I should know. I used to be almost all that too. LOL. And then the second one came around and I started to lower my standard for the sake of my own sanity. Then the third one came and now the fourth one and the rest as they say, is history --- hand-me-down toys and clothes, private family-only birthday parties (and by parties I mean balloons and cakes and nothing more), let's put this essential oil and eat the supplement first and see how it goes before going to the doctor, please eat whatever I cook or just grab a cookie, go climb that door grill will you, it's good for your motor skill --- I am more these than the former now. It doesn't mean I love my kids less, it just means I am more experienced and frankly, a little more tired.

And yes, I've given birth to my fourth and she's an angel (what else can you be at age 17 days?) but more on that later. Kisses!

Mother of one, 2011. Spot my XL diaper bag. LOL.

Empty nest.

“Mad house,” my husband uttered jokingly as we were leaving home for work today and the kids were you know, being kids; they were having shower together, laughing, quarrelling, screaming, sliding, making mess in the toilet.

“One day our house will be empty and we will miss this madness,” I replied.

These kids. They take over your life and one by one of them will bid you good bye and you’ll be left with an empty nest, less daily drama and a whole lot of free me-times. How do parents let go of their kid as early as 13? How did my parents let go of me when I was 13? Sure Hadi can be annoying most of the times LOL but I cannot imagine my home without him. I will definitely yell a lot lesser LOL, and there will be peace and calmness; but how boring will my days be? No one expecting my home cooked food, nobody to argue TV time with, no big brother to help me out with the younger ones. And by help, I mean dragging his foot in protest and grunting nonsense while half-heartedly doing the things I ask him to do.

But I guess that’s what parents do, we plant and nurture their roots, and then give them wings for them to leave their nest and soar higher. And we wait, we wait for them to come home once in a while to rest their wings. Just like our parents. It’s a never ending life cycle.

Damn these pregnancy hormones.

Blind date.

They say labour is the only blind date where you know you will meet the love of your life. But I was never one of you lucky mommies who had pain-free and/or short labour. All three of mine were painful, and definitely not short. The third one though, maybe because of past experiences, was more bearable and peaceful compared to the first two. 

My first experience was the worst, with Hadi being overdue for 10 days, then I was induced and suffice to say, the pain was the greatest I have ever experienced in my life. After what felt like 34 hours of pain, I asked for epidural and I thanked God for whoever invented it. Oh it didn’t stop there. After maybe an hour or two, I felt the pain again and the anesthetist had to be called in the middle of the night to top up my dosage. Why did my baby hate me so much? (He is obsessed with me now though) After a long non progressing labour, I had to go through an emergency c-section. They had to put me completely to sleep because even after topping up my epi yet again, I could still feel the slice of the knife. LOL. What was wrong with me?! It took me 1 hour to wake up from my “sleep” and the nurse was already getting worried. Then Hadi had wet lung due to the long labour and had to stay in the hospital for 5 days. I guess this is partly the reason it took me many years to finally be ready for the second child. 

Noah’s one was relatively better. But I went to the maternity clinic emergency too early because my contraction was getting worse and I was feeling scared, but the cervix opening was not progressing. It was only 2cm when I arrived but I had to be warded immediately after the midwife saw the CTG result. I had to stay with 7 other mothers in the same ward (it was a full house that night), with ¾ of them basically screaming and cringing and whining in pain the whole night long. Kau dahlah sakit, kau kena dengar orang lain punya sakit, macam nak gila rasanya. I kept going to the toilet for some peace and I remember banging my head on the toilet wall so many times because the labour pain and all the screaming were driving me crazy. Subuh came and I was only 5cm dilated so the husband left for home to freshen up but what do you know, the progress suddenly sped up and by 7 or so, Noah came into this world, via VBAC. 

With Saif, I stayed home at MIL's the whole night even when I was already feeling the painful contraction starting. I timed my contraction using the contraction timer app on my phone, danced and swayed and layan my contraction all by myself in the comfort of familiar, quiet place. It was very painful but at least it was peaceful. Subuh came and I told the husband it was time for us to go to the hospital and by the time we reached there, I was already 7cm dilated. I was already out of energy by the time I was fully dilated because I didn’t have my dinner and breakfast but thankfully all was well. 

I don’t know if it gets better with each labour but I think you could handle your body better, maybe? But pain free has never been in my book although I am really hoping this time around it will be less painful and quicker, oh please Allah let it be fast and fun. 35 more days to go and I am so torn between “Oh God I am so anxious and nervous to go through labour again and be a mother of four” VS “I am so tired yet excited, let’s just get this over with, I can’t wait to see my baby.” Pregnant women emotion is so hay-wire.

SUPER HUGE AND TIRED AND FEELING BLEURGH.

You do you.

Who are better moms: stay at home moms vs working moms. Which is more painful: natural birth vs c-section. Whose kids are happier: moms with messy homes vs moms with neat homes. Which is better: breastfeeding vs formula milk. THIS IS A NEVER ENDING DEBATE! 

Mothers who choose to work is not more superior than those who choose to be at home, just as stay at home mothers are certainly not more holier than those who choose to work. Our lives are different; some people want to, some people have to. YOU DO YOU. 

Any types of birth is painful, unless yeah, HELLO EPIDURAL! It does not make you a better mother just because you went through 36 hours of painful labour and give birth to your baby all natural, pankiller-free and what not. It just make you a woman who was in pain for 36 hours. C-section has its shares of pain as well, oh the recovery is longer! Trust me, I’ve been through both, and believe me when I say all kind of labour and child birth are painful. What matters is your baby shall be delivered healthily, that is all. Other than that, your choice. YOU DO YOU. 

Messy homes do not necessarily equal happy children. Yes you let your kids play and be messy but so do most mothers with clean, organized homes. Or maybe you have a designated play room, lucky you! In my case, my kids will scatter their toys starting from their room to the hall to the side porch. LOL. What’s important is both you and your kids are happy. If you are OK with messy homes, then so be it, let it go let it go. If you’re a neat freak, then it is ok too, good for you! Go clean your house every 15 minutes. YOU DO YOU. 

Breastfeeding has its benefit but it has so many cons as well. Like, well, a baby attached to your boobies isn’t exactly fun, you know? And not everyone has abundance of milk. Not every boobies are the same just as not all babies are the same. If you prefer to breastfeed and you can, do it! It’s good. But if you don’t want to or you can’t, it is OK too! Just make sure your baby is fed. That is the most important bit of raising a child. FED IS BEST. YOU DO YOU. 

Stop this vicious mommy-shaming cycle. Stop this never ending debate. Just do whatever works for you and your family. As long as your kids are happy, well fed, well behave, are not neglected and go to school, I think you’re on the right track, mommies. YOU DO YOU!

Little big things.

It is nearing the end of school year for 2017 and it seems like almost everyone's kids are getting academic awards for their achievements.

Mine did not. Not this time. But today I am OK with it. I am OK that he is not on the top of his class because he now reads well enough for me to stop worrying. I am OK that he can mengaji & also read some musical notes. I am OK that he did well for English and Science but rather poorly for Maths. I am OK because he invents funny words like "oldbinton" to describe playing badminton with old people like Mama, and that he knows what a banjo and lasso are, and that he uses proper sentence like "I would say they are teenagers." Of course I do not wish for my kids to be mediocre but there is always room for academic improvements. And although getting straight As is very commendable, there are also many other little achievements to be celebrated if we choose to do so. 

Today, I choose to be OK with the kid I am raising and pray that he will continue to surprise me with many little big things.

Gotta love Beverly Goldbergs!

Photographs and memories.

There are some things in life that are able to evoke all sort of melancholic in me; like a favourite song from the past, the smell of my mother’s cooking, Michael Jackson’s One Day in Your Life, the sound of rain, and strangely, watching my kids play at the park.

We have this Friday morning routine of strolling around the neighborhood and stopping by the nearest playground for a quick morning play. And every single time I sit on the bench with Noah beside me, watching Hadi and Saif messing around playing together, my heart will make a little leap. Every single time. I will be reminded that one day, all that will be left for me are the memories of these days. It may not mean much to them, Saif may not even remember this routine of ours, but I will. One day when the nest is empty and I pass by the playground, I will surely long for all the childish fun and laughter we once had together.

“The days are long but the years are short” perfectly sums up our life as a mommy. It is tiring, being a parent. You constantly have to remind yourself that time is precious, that they will not stay this small forever, but it’s hard to do that sometimes after countless interrupted sleeps and long day of tending to their every needs. But these years of raising little children fly by so quickly. One minute Hadi was this cheeky bubbly toddler and suddenly he is turning 8 just next year. Before I know it, these boys will not need my daily hugs, me helping with homework, cooking them breakfast, fixing their hair, lying down with them until they fell asleep. One day, I will surely miss their sweet innocence and clinginess.

But as at now, they’re stuck with me for at least another 10 to 20 years. Let’s just enjoy the ride while it lasts.

Crappy mommy.

We all have days when we feel really crappy as a mommy. Maybe Marion and Dr. Jezemine Lim don’t, because they’re perfect. But yeah, I am talking about us normal, sometimes-awesome-but-sometimes-crappy mommies. 

My firstborn can’t seem to get straight As, the other isn’t improving too much in his mobility even after years of therapies and the other doesn’t seem to be able to talk as many words as a 2 year old should. It makes me think that I did not spend enough time to help the first one with his studies, that I haven’t done enough for the second one’s improvement, that it’s my fault that the third one has yet to construct a sentence. And that maybe I didn’t make enough doa. That maybe I sin a lot that my doa is not makbul. That maybe, I am just a lousy mommy, as simple as that. But believe me I tried. Oh God, I HAVE TRIED. I hope my kids know I have tried and gave all my best on most days. I hope God knows. 

And entering the second trimester of this pregnancy at this much older age has made me really exhausted sometimes and most days at the end of the day I just want to put everyone to sleep so that I may be able to rest a bit, only to be waken up at random hours at night to kids having nightmares, coughing streaks, mosquitoes festivals and baby #4 squishing my bladder. 

There are good days, when I feel energized, when I’m positive about raising my children, when I start the day all chirpy and cook good stuff, spent the whole day not being grumpy at all, basking in the moment, listening and engaging well with my kids, days when I enjoy every speck of motherhood, the whole nine yard. 

But there are days like today, when I feel sick and crappy and like I am going to split into two, even after a cone of chocolate sundae. Perhaps this is my bad right knee talking, I don’t know, maybe I just need a good hug and a new pretty purse. Crappy washed out purse makes you feel crappy.

Oh and send me the Joy Blend pronto, Ayin. Let’s see if it will do wonders.

Roller-coaster ride.

The first weeks of pantang (confinement) has always been a torture for me. Everytime I think about the recovery process --- the engorgement, the fear of doing number two, the healing of wounds (c-section for the first and vaginal wound for the next two), the seram sejuk nak demam tak demam, restless sleepless nights, roller-coaster emotion --- honestly it scares me more than the labour itself.

Most moms I know say the same thing. Recently I talked to a close relative whose youngest is already 8 but she could still recall in vivid details the horror of early weeks of pantang. Most moms have different set of stories to share but it all will lead to the same conclusion that early days after labour is certainly not a bed of roses. A bed of rose thorn, maybe.

I wrote about post partum depression before on my old blog. It is real. It could happen to any one of us. But physical recovery is another hellish issue altogether. Your recovering body will feel foreign and it will sometimes feel like it is betraying you. What's more with lack of sleep, abstinence of ice cream and iced mocha, minimal fresh air, adjusting to your newborn, aah the whole drill. 

But call me crazy; a precious sweet smelling newborn baby is somewhat worth the ride.

Unconditional.

The husband said this is favouritism sums up in one picture. LOL. 

I don't think any normal parents have only one particular favourite child --- we may have one that we like more at that particular time because he was behaving better, or eats the food we cooked without complaints, or simply because he takes morning naps LOL --- but we love our children equally as much, or as little (depending on the situation). It is just common that the smallest one gets more attention because he needs it more.

When I was pregnant with Noah, it was a bittersweet journey for both me and Hadi. Hadi was already 3 when I finally found the courage for another child, so it's been a while that it was just me and Hadi. I knew things would surely change once he had to share his mommy's love and attention, and even I was not sure I could love another child as much as I love my firstborn. 

Oh boy was I wrong. Your heart is surely made to expand for the love of your children (Children! NOT WIVES!) 

And like I always say, that’s the awesome thing about a mother’s love; there’s always room for more.

Ain't no river wide enough.

LOL my blogging mojo came very rapidly and went away just as fast. So random. 

Did you read about the successful Muslim lady who built her $2.3M Shea Terra organic beauty business while homeschooling her kids? Ain't that something? I can't even last more than an hour of teaching my eldest. Even helping him with his school works could sometimes stressed the hell out of me. How did Tammie Umbel do it? Making herself rich while at the same time raising and teaching her kids? That is one extraordinary woman!

But like all things, you just need to have the right attitude, the drive and the willpower to get things done. If you put your mind to it, there ain't no mountain high enough. Wow writing positive affirmations is certainly so much easier than practising them LOL! (But you gotta start somewhere)

In sickness and in health.

The firstborn caught a nasty bug at drama workshop recently and had to skip school. Poor baby but he looked just fine when he gets to stay home and watch TV. Typical! LOL. In this one I am gonna share what to do if your kid fell sick - this is not in any way a medical advice, merely a tips from one mommy to another. 

What to do if you child caught a fever?

First of all, DO NOT PANIC. As a young mommy-of-one, I panicked a lot. Three sneezes was all it takes for me to take him to see the paed. LOL. Fever is not something you should take for granted, true, especially in very young children, but you shouldn't panic too easily either. Know what works or could work for your kids, and you will be more confident to tackle their issues. 

If you are against modern medicine, you can stop reading now. I am the type that will go with whatever that works for my family so yeah that includes liquid PCM, suppository med, essential oils, honey, chicken soup, lotsa plain water and lotsa hugs. As a mommy, it'd best to have these on stand-by: digital thermometer, liquid PCM & supp. 

Sponge till it drops!

The moment your kid's temp reaches 37.5c, take off his clothing and start sponging, using sponge or soft cloth, soaked in room temp water. Trust me his temp would drop immediately. Pay more attention to armpits, joints, behind ears and private areas. 

"Medicines are like colouful little doctors" - Hadi 

Administer some liquid PCM (check kids weight for dosage). If it's night time, insert a supp as well (this is a protocol taught by our family doctor). Give PCM every 4 hourly if necessary. Sponge every now and then. Make him drink lotsa plain water. Give some honey. Feed him homemade chicken soup and give lots of hugs. Oh and force them to sleep / rest. 

Rub a dub dub

If you're into essential oils, lavender, lemon, peppermint and/or eucalyptus can be diluted with carrier oil (I usually use organic VCO) & be massaged on your kids' feet bottom, base of the neck, temple. They can also be diffused; your house will smell fresh and nice too. Some mommies use lemons socks (put lemon slice inside socks and make kids wear them) but this never work with my kids because they hated it. Well, I would too. 

If after all these protocols have been done and still the fever doesn't subside, take him to see a doctor for blood test and all that. Better safe than sorry! Oh and mommies, be prepared to hear LOTSA WHINING. They come with that, yes.

LOL. And be sure it isn't just that before you let them skip school.

Snapshots of moments.

(The first two paras are from my phone notes written back in March) 

The life you see on Instagram or any social media that is, is not real life. They are snapshots of moments, a small fraction of someone's reality. 

We see photos of young children behaving impeccably and we look at our kids and think, why can't you be more like them? When in fact what we see is only a frozen 2 seconds of their life. Marion Caunter's life, for instant, seems picture perfect on Instagram but who really knows what goes on behind the screen? (I bet her reality is perfect too though LOL) This is why sometimes it's really shocking when we hear of news like when a couple got a divorce, because I just saw them looking happy on an overseas trip together last month? Or that she just got retrenched? But she is always happily sharing her new handbag collections! She's a bitchy boss?! But she seems so loved by her people?!

Behind the fabulous family vacation we see on Instagram for example, are just the same thing we parents face everyday. Sibling fights, whining bored/ hot/ sleepy / tired kids, struggle to get them kids to eat / sit quietly / nap. LOL. But the snippets of moments we choose to share are almost always the sweetest, because that's just how we want to remember it.

I can't imagine if social medias exist when I was growing up. The process of personal growth and self discovery was hard enough without peer pressure constantly bugging your life at the palm of your hand. Sigh I weep for younger generation.

We share a small part of our lives that we are comfortable to bare to the world, but you don't always need to know about the night I quarreled with my husband and felt bad, or the day my firstborn made me so mad my heart almost burst out of anger and sadness, or the tears I had every time I feel melancholic about my special child. Only recently after 3 years did I first openly write about Noah and my heart felt at ease after I did that, because sometimes getting things out of your system can be detoxifying for your soul. 

Most of us pick and choose what we share with people, even more so on social medias. Some people are of the view that this is another version of hypocrisy. I don't think so. Social media is after all just a platform for us to connect to the people around us, via snapshots and sharing of opinions and what nots. 

Choosing the best photos among all that have been ruined by your kids making ugly faces, putting on some filters to hide your overly tired mommy face, thinking of a funny / insightful caption to match ---- there's nothing wrong about all this, simply a quick editing skill. Hypocrisy comes in when you start stretching out the truth and sharing make-belief moments just to get validations from others. Don't! Stay true to yourself, take beautiful photos of your life for memories sake, and be kind -- if you have nothing nice to say to others on social medias, just STFU.

All you need is love.

This is from my previous blog, Neurotically Speaking, a simple illustrated list for new mommies on what your teeny tiny newborn would need in the first few months of life. But really, all they realllllyyyy need is you!

Mini harem.

"Perhaps all women live with a mini harem inside and the discrepancy, tension and hard-achieved harmony 
among our conflicting selves is what really makes us ourselves." 

I bought this book in a quaint little shop in Taksim, Istanbul selling old books, old maps and antiques, and books by local authors. The scent of the shop is intoxicating but that's another story. 

This is not the kind of book you can read in one go. It is still a work in progress for me but I do enjoy her writing. Elif Shafak was once one of those feminists; hugely independent and never in her adult life has imagined herself as a mother. Then she fell in love and got pregnant. I looooove how she explores the raw emotion of a new mother. Of how a kid would change your life, your freedom and ambition. How can you write when there's a little person who depends on you, needing and whining and clinging on to you? How do you go back to the carefree, smart woman you once were? 

You won't, I guess. You will grow. You will grow to be better, you will gain maturity and new strength. You will be happier, or maybe not, depending on your own action and reaction. But you will never be the same woman you were once before. 

I love how she questions the way society treats women & there is a story she told of a very talented poet, who could almost be as good as Rumi but one day, she got her period and boom, she became "just a lady". And a lady should not have an ambition, she should stay low and wait for someone to ask for her hand in marriage and be a child bearer. So this forgotten poet got married, had kids and her poems and poetry simply withered away. It is heart breaking, really. 

I also love how Elif wrote about Anais Nin and her infamous maids that Anais writes a lot about. How the maids were the reason Anais ever had the time she had to write and be succesful. But did the maids themselves have no other ambition and dreams? Could they have become famous and succesful too if they were given the chance? 

I am thankful for my helper as she is the reason I get to sometimes play lawyer, do my craft, go on dates with my husband and have a life outside of being a mommy. I used to have no such help and trust me when I say having a good, reliable helper will drastically change your life in a very good way. But I do wonder if Yun would prefer being a rich man's wife or a singer (she sings a lot) or maybe a lawyer herself (she was a cigarette factory worker before). Of course she would! But our mission in life is to be the best version of ourselves, to make the world around us a better place. She becoming a good helper gives meaning and assistance to our family and in return, we help to provide for her daughters' education and thus, better future. 

How wonderful are the mini harems with all its different mini voices inside us.

Unsung heroes.

(Another one from my phone notes. I remember writing this on the day Noah got a fever after months of good health -- he used to get sick very easily when he was smaller. It was also the day Hadi made a cute remark that "medicines are like colourful little doctors." LOL)

Having a special need child will change the way you view life. You learn to celebrate little achievements, like when Noah first gained his neck control after countless therapies, or the first time he turned himself at the age of 2, or his hysterical laugh we get to hear sometimes. It is easy for these things to go unnoticed with your normal children. It is just another little milestones for them but for a special need child, it is a huge one, life-changing, making us believe in hopes and miracles. 

All these strong mommies I have met along the way, with children of different kind of disabilities and delays, I have nothing but respect and admiration for them. These mommies are the unsung heroes, taking every trials as it comes, believing in their children and never stop trying, bracing the odds. I believe God tests only those who are strong enough to face the tribulations, and if we redha, never give up hopes and persevere, He will reward us in the hereafter. 

For the growing trees are strengthened, if they withstand the storms.