Loving beyond whats and whys.

Today my firstborn asked the question again, as Noah was having his home therapy session, "Noah is 5, why isn't he talking and walking and eating like Saif? Saif is just 3." And to that my usual answer would be, "Because Noah is special. But you must always doa for him." 

It really is difficult to explain to an 8 year old, why is his little brother "special"? Why is his little brother different from them? What makes him that way and why? Telling Hadi about his brother's medical condition would be too advanced but to explain it using faith and fate, qada and qadar, would it be too much for his childish mind? I would usually resort to the same old answer, "Allah makes him that way, he is special and we must always love and care for him". It doesn't satisfy Hadi but more often than not, he knows enough not to ask further.  

But I love that this gives him more awareness and empathy. The other day we saw a girl on a wheelchair at the park and Hadi said lovingly, "the girl is special, just like Noah." 

Maybe when you're older, you'd understand, Hadi. That sometimes things you can't change will end up changing you instead. And that sometimes you don't need to question the what and why and just embrace fate with our faith and a pinch of sense of humour. And most importantly, to continue loving unconditionally.  

Junior parents.

You can easily spot a first time parents. They usually are the ones who carry an XL diaper bag with all the craps you can imagine for a 2 hour outing. They are the ones who rush to the emergency when their kid fell and scrape his knees, the ones who immediately book a paed appointment when their kid sneezes. They are the ones planning their kid's first birthday party when he has barely turn 8 months. They are the ones who insist on everything organic for their kid's first food. They are the ones who are still trying to do everything by the book; be it Miriam or Spock or Heidi. Their kids wear shiny new clothes and has all the latest toys for brain and motor development.

I should know. I used to be almost all that too. LOL. And then the second one came around and I started to lower my standard for the sake of my own sanity. Then the third one came and now the fourth one and the rest as they say, is history --- hand-me-down toys and clothes, private family-only birthday parties (and by parties I mean balloons and cakes and nothing more), let's put this essential oil and eat the supplement first and see how it goes before going to the doctor, please eat whatever I cook or just grab a cookie, go climb that door grill will you, it's good for your motor skill --- I am more these than the former now. It doesn't mean I love my kids less, it just means I am more experienced and frankly, a little more tired.

And yes, I've given birth to my fourth and she's an angel (what else can you be at age 17 days?) but more on that later. Kisses!

Mother of one, 2011. Spot my XL diaper bag. LOL.

Empty nest.

“Mad house,” my husband uttered jokingly as we were leaving home for work today and the kids were you know, being kids; they were having shower together, laughing, quarrelling, screaming, sliding, making mess in the toilet.

“One day our house will be empty and we will miss this madness,” I replied.

These kids. They take over your life and one by one of them will bid you good bye and you’ll be left with an empty nest, less daily drama and a whole lot of free me-times. How do parents let go of their kid as early as 13? How did my parents let go of me when I was 13? Sure Hadi can be annoying most of the times LOL but I cannot imagine my home without him. I will definitely yell a lot lesser LOL, and there will be peace and calmness; but how boring will my days be? No one expecting my home cooked food, nobody to argue TV time with, no big brother to help me out with the younger ones. And by help, I mean dragging his foot in protest and grunting nonsense while half-heartedly doing the things I ask him to do.

But I guess that’s what parents do, we plant and nurture their roots, and then give them wings for them to leave their nest and soar higher. And we wait, we wait for them to come home once in a while to rest their wings. Just like our parents. It’s a never ending life cycle.

Damn these pregnancy hormones.

Little big things.

It is nearing the end of school year for 2017 and it seems like almost everyone's kids are getting academic awards for their achievements.

Mine did not. Not this time. But today I am OK with it. I am OK that he is not on the top of his class because he now reads well enough for me to stop worrying. I am OK that he can mengaji & also read some musical notes. I am OK that he did well for English and Science but rather poorly for Maths. I am OK because he invents funny words like "oldbinton" to describe playing badminton with old people like Mama, and that he knows what a banjo and lasso are, and that he uses proper sentence like "I would say they are teenagers." Of course I do not wish for my kids to be mediocre but there is always room for academic improvements. And although getting straight As is very commendable, there are also many other little achievements to be celebrated if we choose to do so. 

Today, I choose to be OK with the kid I am raising and pray that he will continue to surprise me with many little big things.

Gotta love Beverly Goldbergs!

Photographs and memories.

There are some things in life that are able to evoke all sort of melancholic in me; like a favourite song from the past, the smell of my mother’s cooking, Michael Jackson’s One Day in Your Life, the sound of rain, and strangely, watching my kids play at the park.

We have this Friday morning routine of strolling around the neighborhood and stopping by the nearest playground for a quick morning play. And every single time I sit on the bench with Noah beside me, watching Hadi and Saif messing around playing together, my heart will make a little leap. Every single time. I will be reminded that one day, all that will be left for me are the memories of these days. It may not mean much to them, Saif may not even remember this routine of ours, but I will. One day when the nest is empty and I pass by the playground, I will surely long for all the childish fun and laughter we once had together.

“The days are long but the years are short” perfectly sums up our life as a mommy. It is tiring, being a parent. You constantly have to remind yourself that time is precious, that they will not stay this small forever, but it’s hard to do that sometimes after countless interrupted sleeps and long day of tending to their every needs. But these years of raising little children fly by so quickly. One minute Hadi was this cheeky bubbly toddler and suddenly he is turning 8 just next year. Before I know it, these boys will not need my daily hugs, me helping with homework, cooking them breakfast, fixing their hair, lying down with them until they fell asleep. One day, I will surely miss their sweet innocence and clinginess.

But as at now, they’re stuck with me for at least another 10 to 20 years. Let’s just enjoy the ride while it lasts.

Crappy mommy.

We all have days when we feel really crappy as a mommy. Maybe Marion and Dr. Jezemine Lim don’t, because they’re perfect. But yeah, I am talking about us normal, sometimes-awesome-but-sometimes-crappy mommies. 

My firstborn can’t seem to get straight As, the other isn’t improving too much in his mobility even after years of therapies and the other doesn’t seem to be able to talk as many words as a 2 year old should. It makes me think that I did not spend enough time to help the first one with his studies, that I haven’t done enough for the second one’s improvement, that it’s my fault that the third one has yet to construct a sentence. And that maybe I didn’t make enough doa. That maybe I sin a lot that my doa is not makbul. That maybe, I am just a lousy mommy, as simple as that. But believe me I tried. Oh God, I HAVE TRIED. I hope my kids know I have tried and gave all my best on most days. I hope God knows. 

And entering the second trimester of this pregnancy at this much older age has made me really exhausted sometimes and most days at the end of the day I just want to put everyone to sleep so that I may be able to rest a bit, only to be waken up at random hours at night to kids having nightmares, coughing streaks, mosquitoes festivals and baby #4 squishing my bladder. 

There are good days, when I feel energized, when I’m positive about raising my children, when I start the day all chirpy and cook good stuff, spent the whole day not being grumpy at all, basking in the moment, listening and engaging well with my kids, days when I enjoy every speck of motherhood, the whole nine yard. 

But there are days like today, when I feel sick and crappy and like I am going to split into two, even after a cone of chocolate sundae. Perhaps this is my bad right knee talking, I don’t know, maybe I just need a good hug and a new pretty purse. Crappy washed out purse makes you feel crappy.

Oh and send me the Joy Blend pronto, Ayin. Let’s see if it will do wonders.

Mom of three; what's one more?

As I have joyfully shared on my Instagram, I have been putting on a few kilos, adding some cheeks and nasty pimples to my face, and spotting a baby bump these days. I am overjoyed alhamdulillah. Oh hello Baby #4, insyaAllah.

If you were followers of my previous blog (yes the three of you), you'd know that I struggled with fertility in our early years of marriage. I suffered miscarriage twice and I have always vouched to how it was a very heartbreaking and lonely experience. My pregnancy with my firstborn felt like a miracle and was tended with a lot of care and caution. It helped that I got to sleep as much as my body desired, watched as much TV as I wanted that is not cartoon and not having any little human to worry about. I also ate a lot and transformed into a whale.

It is not the same with every pregnancies. This time around, I crave less sweets which is good for my weight but suffers breakouts and skin issues. And with three handful small boys***, it goes without saying how tired a mommy can be. I don't even know exhaustion anymore. I just go with the flow, take whatever sleep I can get, and drink coffee. Yes I still take my caffeine, please don't judge me.

This was taken yesterday. My eye bags are testament to my lack of beauty sleep.

*** Yes three handful small boys. The eldest and the youngest are a couple of loud Tom & Jerry, eat a lot, most of the time sticky and any long sticks found can be used as weapon against each other. And in between all that, there's homework and revisions for the eldest which always end up with me almost getting a heart attack, there's Noah's therapies, and my obsessive need to cook for the kids every single day. I could have asked the maid, but no, I am crazy. 

But yeah, what's one more, alang-alang dah gila dan letih gila. LOL.

Unconditional.

The husband said this is favouritism sums up in one picture. LOL. 

I don't think any normal parents have only one particular favourite child --- we may have one that we like more at that particular time because he was behaving better, or eats the food we cooked without complaints, or simply because he takes morning naps LOL --- but we love our children equally as much, or as little (depending on the situation). It is just common that the smallest one gets more attention because he needs it more.

When I was pregnant with Noah, it was a bittersweet journey for both me and Hadi. Hadi was already 3 when I finally found the courage for another child, so it's been a while that it was just me and Hadi. I knew things would surely change once he had to share his mommy's love and attention, and even I was not sure I could love another child as much as I love my firstborn. 

Oh boy was I wrong. Your heart is surely made to expand for the love of your children (Children! NOT WIVES!) 

And like I always say, that’s the awesome thing about a mother’s love; there’s always room for more.

The boy with the sketchbook.

I am now renaming Hadi to The Boy with the Sketchbook because more than 300 people have made the same comment to me: Hadi ni sentiasa ada buku untuk melukis / Hadi always has a paper and pen to draw on. 

For a 7 year old, he draws quite well. Better than I was when I was 7 at least. I never really noticed this until I have lots of people coming to me commenting on his drawings and the fact that he draws from his memory. Dozens of sketchbooks fill our house, all filled with his drawings from when he was smaller until now. He brings sketch book / paper and pen almost everywhere and if he forgets them, he'd be really mad if I don't have a paper in my handbag that he could borrow, but I usually do. He'd even draw on tissue paper if he has to. This is partly because we only let him have my phone or his dad's tab occasionally (kalau dapat gadget lupalah about drawing) and partly because he doesn't really like to talk to people, so I guess drawing is part of his escapism from having to socialize. People will come to him and ask about his drawings and he will just smile and continue sketching. This is one weird boy I tell you. 

At a Raya open house recently, I heard a girl gushing to her friends and later to her dad, about Hadi and his drawings and I was like, my Hadi?! Really you were talking about my Hadi? LOL. She was all swooning! 

Apparently there are still girls who are into arts, Hadi, like when I first saw your dad's depiction of Super Darbi (our Jurisprudence lecturer) in a lecture hall LOL, but you wouldn't know that until you're much older because boo hoo you go to an all boys school.

Me at the said open house, with The Boy with the Sketchbook.

What boys are made of.

I had my third boy on my sixth year as a mommy so it's safe to say that I have had quite a number of experience by then, my shares of ups and downs and my personal collections of dos and don'ts. 

And so with this one, I let him explore more. I let him climb things, scribble on stuffs, play with dirt, get down and dirty with animals and plants. Basically I wasn't this obsessed, scared young mommy I used to be. This has proven to be a good thing as this one has turned out to be more resilient, more self sustaining, outdoorsy and confident. Well as confident as a 21 months old could be LOL. 

"Along with milk and vegetables, 

kids need a steady diet of rocks and worms. 

Rocks need skipping. 

Holes need digging. 

Water needs splashing. 

Bugs and frogs and slimy stuff need finding". 

Author Anonymous

He ain't heavy.

It is evidently obvious how much Saif worships his taiko big brother. My third boy is a lover. He is loving and affectionate, always ready for a cuddle and kiss. You'd melt if you see him with Noah, how he'd lovingly caress Noah's head, occasionally hugging and planting kisses on Noah's cheek. 

But the love he has for Hadi is of a different kind. A love-hate relationship, the -- I can't stand you but I really want to be around you because you're just the coolest -- kind of love. It is somewhat funny and sad at the same time. 

Did you see the gif. clip of a monkey kid shoving his baby brother into the river? Captioned as 'proof that older siblings are jerks in every species', I thought it captured the essence of their relationship really well LOL. 

Siblings; can't stand them, can't live without them.

Special.

You'd probably realized by now that my second child is, well, different. We detected that something was not quite right with Noah when he was around 6 months old. Ever since then, we have been to countless hospital visits, had many hospital stays, met with many specialists, when through a lot of probing and tests, done extensive research and of course, gave alternative medicines/ religious healing a try. Only recently this year that we have finally gotten a diagnosis, and as I am still uncomfortable to publicly talk about it in details, suffice to say that I am a mommy of a special need angel. 

Oh an angel he truly is. 

But it ain't easy for sure. We go to therapies twice a week, for almost four years now. We struggle with his diet and health issues. We sometimes get really melancholic about his future. And it gets lonely sometimes. Parenting a special need kid is a lonely journey. The only time you feel belong is when you are with other special kid mommies, we understand each other, never batting an eyelash, never judging. 

But this is the life we are given with. The only way to live this life is to be positive and trust in His plan. Noah is truly a blessing and his brothers really dote on him. And I am thankful to be chosen in this journey.

Growing pains.

(This is from my phone notes in December 2016)  

My firstborn is starting big boys school soon. This is a cliche rhetoric question but when did he grow up so fast? It felt like just some time ago we potty trained him and enrolled him at Hilltop (by we I mean my mom. I didn't have the patience. LOL) 

Hadi is going to an all boys school, like his dad. I don't know if this will make him weirder and more socially awkward but his dad turned out OK-ish with some good kind of weird hehehe so I'm giving it a try. And well well, he got into a good class, exceeding my expectation of him. LOL. I am just worried that 1) he'd have a hard time for the transition to learning in Malay now after three years of English education, 2) he will stay the same very quiet kid that he was in kindergarten, 3) he'd pick up bad behaviours from bigger boys or worse, got bullied. 

But such is the process of life. You grow through what you have to go through. I refuse to play helicopter mommy, the kind who will hover on every aspects of his life and cushions his every fall. He needs to learn to face his own issues, but I will be there for him every steps of the way, with guidance, comfort and most importantly, prayer. 

After all, he'll always be my baby.

Big boys school look. Gone is his long, beautiful locks. Tsskk.