Love thyself.

Audrey in The Letdown (have you watched the Australian series on Netflix? I loved it) talked about the polemics of making the right decisions as mothers and women. How “it’s really interrogating why we attach shame to so many decisions that we make as mothers and the role of community, culture and isolation in all of that.” She said this mommy-shaming is “a psycho-social-cultural construct.” 

It’s true. Moms are always shamed, questioned and sometimes ridiculed for the choices they make, especially if it is what some would call selfish. It’s a really vast topic I would like to explore  one day but today I am focusing on loving yourself; taking time out for yourself as your own person / as a couple.

Did you read Vivy Yusof’s post of people DM-ing her, asking how could she leave her kids to have fun and what kind of mother she is yada yada yada. Oh my my, first of all, why do you have so much time on your hand, minding people’s business and all that, where are all those kids you need to be with 24/7? I don’t agree with some people’s choices too but I don’t go around DM-ing strangers expressing my unsolicited opinion. I’ve got my own life to live.

I remember the famous Dr. Fatin Liyana getting the same backlashes when she went on a vacation with her husband, leaving behind her firstborn with the grannies. Some even said, “Ooo I keluar makan pun tak boleh tinggal anak.” Kesianlah, rindulah. The poor blogger doctor was on her holiday and she had to write a post to explain why she chose to leave her! I guess it’s the price you have to pay for being famous but I found it so ridiculous that other mommies cared so much what she chose to do with her life. Go mind your own freaking children!

It’s no brainer that I agree with Vivy that “there is nothing wrong with a mom enjoying her other times – your husband / wife time, girlfriends time, work time, alone time”. If you don’t remember the last time you laugh like you were 20, you need your girls’ day out, girl. If you forget when was the last time you talk to your husband about anything other than your kids, please go on a date night! If you can’t seem to remember who you really are anymore, get yourself a hobby! You deserve all that, mommies. Your partner deserve a happy wife. Your kids deserve a contented mommy.

I love my kids to death and enjoy their company a lot but I love painting with my bedroom door closed, watching Netflix when they are all asleep, working  and reading alone in the peace and quiet of my small office room, going out with my friends once in a while, going on dates with my husband, cycling and movies and coffee, traveling just the two of us. We always had a great time traveling and vacationing with the kids (using the word 'always' very loosely here LOL), but travelling just the two of us is another level of great time. It does wonder to your relationship. 

While all these are great for my sanity and contentment, which helps me be a better mom, if you don’t agree to them, let’s just agree to disagree and mind our own motherhood. I say it always and I’ll say it again, stop mommy shaming! This parenting gig is hard enough. As long as we are all trying our best to raise good people, we’re good. Don't forget to love thyself while you're at it.

Your mom cycles for her sanity and your safety, kids.

Crappy mommy.

We all have days when we feel really crappy as a mommy. Maybe Marion and Dr. Jezemine Lim don’t, because they’re perfect. But yeah, I am talking about us normal, sometimes-awesome-but-sometimes-crappy mommies. 

My firstborn can’t seem to get straight As, the other isn’t improving too much in his mobility even after years of therapies and the other doesn’t seem to be able to talk as many words as a 2 year old should. It makes me think that I did not spend enough time to help the first one with his studies, that I haven’t done enough for the second one’s improvement, that it’s my fault that the third one has yet to construct a sentence. And that maybe I didn’t make enough doa. That maybe I sin a lot that my doa is not makbul. That maybe, I am just a lousy mommy, as simple as that. But believe me I tried. Oh God, I HAVE TRIED. I hope my kids know I have tried and gave all my best on most days. I hope God knows. 

And entering the second trimester of this pregnancy at this much older age has made me really exhausted sometimes and most days at the end of the day I just want to put everyone to sleep so that I may be able to rest a bit, only to be waken up at random hours at night to kids having nightmares, coughing streaks, mosquitoes festivals and baby #4 squishing my bladder. 

There are good days, when I feel energized, when I’m positive about raising my children, when I start the day all chirpy and cook good stuff, spent the whole day not being grumpy at all, basking in the moment, listening and engaging well with my kids, days when I enjoy every speck of motherhood, the whole nine yard. 

But there are days like today, when I feel sick and crappy and like I am going to split into two, even after a cone of chocolate sundae. Perhaps this is my bad right knee talking, I don’t know, maybe I just need a good hug and a new pretty purse. Crappy washed out purse makes you feel crappy.

Oh and send me the Joy Blend pronto, Ayin. Let’s see if it will do wonders.

Ain't no river wide enough.

LOL my blogging mojo came very rapidly and went away just as fast. So random. 

Did you read about the successful Muslim lady who built her $2.3M Shea Terra organic beauty business while homeschooling her kids? Ain't that something? I can't even last more than an hour of teaching my eldest. Even helping him with his school works could sometimes stressed the hell out of me. How did Tammie Umbel do it? Making herself rich while at the same time raising and teaching her kids? That is one extraordinary woman!

But like all things, you just need to have the right attitude, the drive and the willpower to get things done. If you put your mind to it, there ain't no mountain high enough. Wow writing positive affirmations is certainly so much easier than practising them LOL! (But you gotta start somewhere)

Snapshots of moments.

(The first two paras are from my phone notes written back in March) 

The life you see on Instagram or any social media that is, is not real life. They are snapshots of moments, a small fraction of someone's reality. 

We see photos of young children behaving impeccably and we look at our kids and think, why can't you be more like them? When in fact what we see is only a frozen 2 seconds of their life. Marion Caunter's life, for instant, seems picture perfect on Instagram but who really knows what goes on behind the screen? (I bet her reality is perfect too though LOL) This is why sometimes it's really shocking when we hear of news like when a couple got a divorce, because I just saw them looking happy on an overseas trip together last month? Or that she just got retrenched? But she is always happily sharing her new handbag collections! She's a bitchy boss?! But she seems so loved by her people?!

Behind the fabulous family vacation we see on Instagram for example, are just the same thing we parents face everyday. Sibling fights, whining bored/ hot/ sleepy / tired kids, struggle to get them kids to eat / sit quietly / nap. LOL. But the snippets of moments we choose to share are almost always the sweetest, because that's just how we want to remember it.

I can't imagine if social medias exist when I was growing up. The process of personal growth and self discovery was hard enough without peer pressure constantly bugging your life at the palm of your hand. Sigh I weep for younger generation.

We share a small part of our lives that we are comfortable to bare to the world, but you don't always need to know about the night I quarreled with my husband and felt bad, or the day my firstborn made me so mad my heart almost burst out of anger and sadness, or the tears I had every time I feel melancholic about my special child. Only recently after 3 years did I first openly write about Noah and my heart felt at ease after I did that, because sometimes getting things out of your system can be detoxifying for your soul. 

Most of us pick and choose what we share with people, even more so on social medias. Some people are of the view that this is another version of hypocrisy. I don't think so. Social media is after all just a platform for us to connect to the people around us, via snapshots and sharing of opinions and what nots. 

Choosing the best photos among all that have been ruined by your kids making ugly faces, putting on some filters to hide your overly tired mommy face, thinking of a funny / insightful caption to match ---- there's nothing wrong about all this, simply a quick editing skill. Hypocrisy comes in when you start stretching out the truth and sharing make-belief moments just to get validations from others. Don't! Stay true to yourself, take beautiful photos of your life for memories sake, and be kind -- if you have nothing nice to say to others on social medias, just STFU.

Mini harem.

"Perhaps all women live with a mini harem inside and the discrepancy, tension and hard-achieved harmony 
among our conflicting selves is what really makes us ourselves." 

I bought this book in a quaint little shop in Taksim, Istanbul selling old books, old maps and antiques, and books by local authors. The scent of the shop is intoxicating but that's another story. 

This is not the kind of book you can read in one go. It is still a work in progress for me but I do enjoy her writing. Elif Shafak was once one of those feminists; hugely independent and never in her adult life has imagined herself as a mother. Then she fell in love and got pregnant. I looooove how she explores the raw emotion of a new mother. Of how a kid would change your life, your freedom and ambition. How can you write when there's a little person who depends on you, needing and whining and clinging on to you? How do you go back to the carefree, smart woman you once were? 

You won't, I guess. You will grow. You will grow to be better, you will gain maturity and new strength. You will be happier, or maybe not, depending on your own action and reaction. But you will never be the same woman you were once before. 

I love how she questions the way society treats women & there is a story she told of a very talented poet, who could almost be as good as Rumi but one day, she got her period and boom, she became "just a lady". And a lady should not have an ambition, she should stay low and wait for someone to ask for her hand in marriage and be a child bearer. So this forgotten poet got married, had kids and her poems and poetry simply withered away. It is heart breaking, really. 

I also love how Elif wrote about Anais Nin and her infamous maids that Anais writes a lot about. How the maids were the reason Anais ever had the time she had to write and be succesful. But did the maids themselves have no other ambition and dreams? Could they have become famous and succesful too if they were given the chance? 

I am thankful for my helper as she is the reason I get to sometimes play lawyer, do my craft, go on dates with my husband and have a life outside of being a mommy. I used to have no such help and trust me when I say having a good, reliable helper will drastically change your life in a very good way. But I do wonder if Yun would prefer being a rich man's wife or a singer (she sings a lot) or maybe a lawyer herself (she was a cigarette factory worker before). Of course she would! But our mission in life is to be the best version of ourselves, to make the world around us a better place. She becoming a good helper gives meaning and assistance to our family and in return, we help to provide for her daughters' education and thus, better future. 

How wonderful are the mini harems with all its different mini voices inside us.

Neurotically speaking. As a mother.

Some of you may probably know me or may have been readers of my previous blog, Neurotically Speaking, so hi there old friends! I have been wanting to blog again for a while, for no apparent reasons. Micro blogging sites is really taking a toll on real blogs, don't you think so? At least it is in my case. So anyways, I have been wanting to blog again, but I found myself to be a much much much different person now then when I first started Neurotically Speaking. And so this blog begins its journey, to share my anecdotes, thoughts, personal views and well, my life as a mother, wife, and everything in between.

Motherhood unfiltered at its best. Welcome back, old friends!